in my personal hell
Aug. 22nd, 2002 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gurdonarkWe are all chaffeur-driven in long SUV limousines, which sideswipe bicyclists without remorse, and whose radios are constantly set on misogynist raps. We are escorted into loud, smoky bars, where women in stiletto heels tell us that we should not wear glasses, as they make us look intellectual.
In the afterlife we learn all the secrets we failed to "get" on the earthly plane--"coach WAS always right", "you WILL go to hell for this", and "if you keep your head in a book all day, you'll never get ANYWHERE". Except Hell really is somewhere, sort of.
In Hell the cubicles are identical, and desktop figurines are forbidden. Virtually everything is forbidden in Hell, except team spirit. In Hell there is so much team spirit we all groan in unison. Data entry is really big in Hell, but the commute takes longer than the work day. Television in Hell is really not that different than television on earth.
In Hell, one always gets to have the last word, and then has nausea afterward. In Hell, one can be a true pioneer, plunging aimlessly through the brambles. In Hell, family values are important, and sold on the open marketplace as often as possible. In Hell, all social problems, for that matter, are trusted to an open and free market. Psychologists in Hell focus a lot on dreams, because Hell produces some impressive nightmares.
Britney Spears is very big in Hell, and all the losers there say:
"man, she is HOT". In Hell, Audrey Hepburn stars in the life of
Jennifer Love Hewitt on the Hellishlifetime Channel. In Hell, people love Mall Rats and hate Dogma. Aside from films, though, dogma is pretty popular. Hell has more churches than anywhere other than Las Vegas. They have charming pederast preachers who preach a lot of fire and brimstone. Gambling is legal in Hell--but the odds are damned favorable to the house.
The smokestacks in Hell are pungent, but the odor reminds some people of cigars, and others of old shoes in the rain. In Hell everyone is really good at a quick retort, but nobody remembers to kiss a loved one goodbye. In Hell, everyone can draw, but all the pictures look the same. Culture Club released its 50th album, but the band members are all fourteen year olds now, prefabricated like Menudo.
Hell is filled with certainties and cutting wit. In Hell, she told you so, and didn't you realize it could never be? In Hell, the Republicans win every election, but anarchists knock out the air conditioning all the time.
I dreamed I woke up in Hell, but it turned out it was only CNN.
In the afterlife we learn all the secrets we failed to "get" on the earthly plane--"coach WAS always right", "you WILL go to hell for this", and "if you keep your head in a book all day, you'll never get ANYWHERE". Except Hell really is somewhere, sort of.
In Hell the cubicles are identical, and desktop figurines are forbidden. Virtually everything is forbidden in Hell, except team spirit. In Hell there is so much team spirit we all groan in unison. Data entry is really big in Hell, but the commute takes longer than the work day. Television in Hell is really not that different than television on earth.
In Hell, one always gets to have the last word, and then has nausea afterward. In Hell, one can be a true pioneer, plunging aimlessly through the brambles. In Hell, family values are important, and sold on the open marketplace as often as possible. In Hell, all social problems, for that matter, are trusted to an open and free market. Psychologists in Hell focus a lot on dreams, because Hell produces some impressive nightmares.
Britney Spears is very big in Hell, and all the losers there say:
"man, she is HOT". In Hell, Audrey Hepburn stars in the life of
Jennifer Love Hewitt on the Hellishlifetime Channel. In Hell, people love Mall Rats and hate Dogma. Aside from films, though, dogma is pretty popular. Hell has more churches than anywhere other than Las Vegas. They have charming pederast preachers who preach a lot of fire and brimstone. Gambling is legal in Hell--but the odds are damned favorable to the house.
The smokestacks in Hell are pungent, but the odor reminds some people of cigars, and others of old shoes in the rain. In Hell everyone is really good at a quick retort, but nobody remembers to kiss a loved one goodbye. In Hell, everyone can draw, but all the pictures look the same. Culture Club released its 50th album, but the band members are all fourteen year olds now, prefabricated like Menudo.
Hell is filled with certainties and cutting wit. In Hell, she told you so, and didn't you realize it could never be? In Hell, the Republicans win every election, but anarchists knock out the air conditioning all the time.
I dreamed I woke up in Hell, but it turned out it was only CNN.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-22 11:53 pm (UTC)"In Hell, Audrey Hepburn stars in the life of
Jennifer Love Hewitt on the Hellishlifetime Channel."
this, in particular, tickled the shit out of me.
(or, i suppose, the Hell, as the case may be)
no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 06:01 am (UTC)CNN freezes over
Date: 2002-08-23 12:25 am (UTC)Har Har Har.
Re: CNN freezes over
Date: 2002-08-23 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 05:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 06:00 am (UTC)I suppose I should have chosen a better set of examples, but Mall Rats was just so euphonious for my point...not to mention it stars Ms. Doherty, who is just so lovably hellish.
Besides, your hell might be more interesting than mine.
why i love mallrats...
Date: 2002-08-23 07:29 am (UTC)Re: why i love mallrats...
Date: 2002-08-23 10:52 am (UTC)I'll have to think a bit about literal Hells. I
think that the Kingdom of Hell is probably within, although in general I do think there's some kind of afterlife.
Re: why i love mallrats...
Date: 2002-08-23 11:09 am (UTC)Yeah, I figured Hell would be a little more carnal than heaven, that's why I thought I could get away with kissing them both!
It's interesting to think about what some sort of "hell" might be like (apart from our own personal ones). I still quite like Dante's version...
Re: why i love mallrats...
Date: 2002-08-23 11:16 am (UTC)The embedded dichotomy in this way of viewing Heaven/Hell (blissful but non-ecstatic v. torture but carnal) is probably some profound Victorian shortcoming in our way of viewing these things, but I'm not capable of wisdom on this point. I sometimes wear the universalist banner, so I'll just assume that in Heaven you get to kiss whomever you like. I'm reminded, suddenly, of the movie "Bliss", where the fellow believes his everyday life must be Hell, so he must have died; or, for that matter, the film "The Ruling Class", where the fellow knows he's God because when he prays, he's talking to himself.
Dante's Hell is cool. I love Solzhenitsyn's First Circle, based on the Dante metaphor, about scientist political prisoners who are still in the gulag, but a nicer gulag with some privileges, so that they will help the Soviets build new bombs and the like. That Hell seemed so sad and yet so compelling to me.
last one, i promise!
Date: 2002-08-23 11:31 am (UTC)Dante's Inferno-->Conrad's Heart of Darkness-->Coppola's Apocolypse Now
Actually, I was (am?) a little obsessed...It's fun! You should try it.
why stop? In Hell we never stop
Date: 2002-08-23 11:36 am (UTC)I will go a bit more indirect, like Dante to No Exit to Waiting for Godot to Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead, where the thread of hell maintains, but the meaninglessness pertains more and more each iteration.
Of course, soon, we'll be reduced to Dr. Faustus to Faust to Damn Yankees, and all will be lost. Oh, Hell.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 06:35 am (UTC)You know, in some religions, they say you get 14 virgins when you get to heaven (or is it up to 50 now? ..I'm not sure). BUT I think that would be Hell. Because you'd have 14 or 50 people not knowing what to do.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 10:58 am (UTC)I am always suspicious of afterlifes with more than one permanent inamorata, because my own belief is that a relationship with one person at a time who knows one's every flaw is hard enough, without expanding it to a cast of dozens.
how about:
Date: 2002-08-23 07:48 am (UTC)=)
no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 10:59 am (UTC)In Hell, Jean Van Damme plays the Sean Connery role in the later Highlander films, and then is succeeded by a member of N Sync. In Hell, there is an active publishing industry, but the books are in all languages nobody speaks.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 07:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 11:18 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-08-23 01:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-23 02:10 pm (UTC)Oh No!
Date: 2002-08-23 08:11 am (UTC)Now I'm really scared.
Re: Oh No!
Date: 2002-08-23 11:01 am (UTC)Re: Oh No!
Date: 2002-08-23 01:22 pm (UTC)Re: Oh No!
Date: 2002-08-23 01:23 pm (UTC)Re: Oh No!
Re: Oh No!
Date: 2002-08-23 11:16 am (UTC)Re: Oh No!
Date: 2002-08-23 01:18 pm (UTC)They gotta go!
And one of the other programmers' toobers and zots?
Outta here!
Re: Oh No!
Date: 2002-08-24 09:22 pm (UTC)