Days dissolve into nights which dissolve into days

[gurdonark]

Last night we walked from our neighborhood to the adjoining neighborhood, and back again. We live in a very pleasant but not particularly luxurious neighborhood. The next neighborhood over is a bit nicer than ours, if one defines "niceness" as involving more expensive homes, and more elaborate landscape architecture in the postcard-size yards. We admired flowers in bloom, trees in prime growth, and noticed, with some emotion not entirely negative but somewhat short of admiration, corner turrets on custom-home castles, curious half-timbered designs on brick homes, and the "rustic" creek which in fact floods because contrived rusticity and erosion control apparently do not go hand in hand. I am tempted to write some rant-ish piece about the sameness of everything, but in fact, the homes were in the main attractive, and the trees and flowers were in the main nice.

The main road which runs past the Kroger grocery store marked our "turnaround point". Some of the sidewalk has been configured in a curious "winding" pattern, to give a homey, village feel to new construction and built-over farm-fields. We walked past the Blockbuster Video, and paused at Green Park, the little "mowed strip of ground" park in the neighboring subdivision, where a sign told us of past glories this prairie had once seen. We saw the present glories of an unused picnic pavilion and an elementary school. I heard yesterday that our own subdivision is nearly "sold out". They call the last portion by the fairly non-euphonious Phase VIII. We live in a phase, in phases, and sometimes out of phase.

We returned to our home, where we turned on a Star Trek marathon, in which an artificial person regained the use of his emotion chip, with disastrous consequences. Star Trek always has someone "outside looking in" on the human condition. From within the human condition, we look inside, outside, and all about, at our individual masses of chips and wires and soul(s). I fell asleep utterly exhausted, just as tapes of viewers calling in to rave about Star Trek marathons were rolling while the credits flashed on screen. I dreamed elaborate dreams about people I have not met, in which I did things I never do in real life.

I awoke quite rested, but got a slow start when we proved to be out of raisin bran and out of milk. Instead of seeking reverie when we hiked past Kroger, perhaps I should have sought milk and cereal instead. I find myself constantly daydreaming about what I wish, instead of getting myself what I need. I forgot to check the newspaper to see if anyone, other than that fellow from the band, Sha Na Na, was born on August 12. I was born on this day in 1959, so it interests me, in a trivial sort of way.

I never reflect much on the birthdays that stereotypically "matter"; 21, 30, and 40 all passed me by with hardly a second thought. Instead, it is the offbeat numbers which get me thinking. Today I am 43, and I do find myself reflecting on what aging means. It might be easy to consign myself to any one of a number of hells. I have accomplished far less than I once set out to do. I appear destined to live a life which is in some ways entirely unremarkable. I am not nearly as good a person as I wish to be. I am in so many ways complacent in precisely the ways I would have thought unacceptable at 21.

But I must confess that today, I am not particularly worried about my manifold sins and wickedness, which I now humbly confess. To me, the endless procession of days (the "petty pace" at which time creeps, if one wills) provides an endless set of hurdles, that one must learn to 'hop' jauntily, or one will crash into painted wood and cheap but sturdy metal. I have hopped some 15,693 such hurdles; how many more leaps I am allotted I can only control in small ways, like diet, exercise, and keeping my head out of ovens. In this past few years, I struck out to find my independence and my goals in ways which I had only permitted myself to project and imagine before; in the main, I have proven to be worthy to the tasks I have set, if not particularly inspired at the way in which I achieve them. I have the good fortune to have a loving wife, a stable career, an absence of debt, jaunty pets, and a close group of family members and friends. This past week I have had a concrete reminder how important that can be. Although these are all "micro" things, lacking "greatness", they seem very dear to me now. If I am granted the way clear to leap a fair number more hurdles, the game still seems very much worth playing to me.

I heard a man give a talk once in which he said that he believed in a curious sort of God, which he experienced only at the end of a day, when the dusk made everything blur into one thing. That blurring was his God. I do not have a similar catchy way of expressing what it "all means" to me at 43; as the years go on, I become a bit more certain of the answers, but also a bit more certain of the unimportance of my particular expression of those answers. Perhaps this is the "gift to be simple" from the song--that feeling that meetings one's own challenges may be what one is called to do.

I feel that in my life, I am "called" (whether by God or my conscience or just my own sense of whimsy I will not declare) to do much more than I have done so far. But today, I am grateful for wife and family and friends. I am grateful for a life that does not grate on me to live. I am grateful for Texas wildflowers and the sight of desert mountains seen from mid-air. I am grateful to those of you whom I have met through LJ, and for the clarity I can reach in my thinking on days like today.

We walk from day to day from hurdle to hurdle, hopping when we can, gently stepping over when we can't. Sometimes the flowers are pretty; sometimes everything just seems dark and ugly. We fight always the twin, opposing demons of complacency and despair. But there's a rhythm in those hurdles rising before us--day upon day upon day. Today is theoretically yet another landmark, but all I see are tens or hundreds or thousands of hurdles ahead, and I must pick which tracks I wish to run. The days give way to nights which give ways to days on which more tasks are set, and my own portion is small and unremarkable. But it is my set of things to do, my set of ideas to share, and if I am not entirely content, nor am I miserable about it. I am just working on my breathing, and hoping my legs send me over the hurdles that matter.

I fly to San Francisco tonight, but my feet remain on a simple track, and there are more hurdles ahead.

Comments

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Yes 02 is a good 43 year. Quite a vintage.
Thanks!

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

How very lovely. I was wondering if you were going to take the day off from LJ (for your birthday)-- I'm glad to see you didn't. :-)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I thought about taking a birthday off, but this has proven to be a "busy" birthday, so a LJ post seemed entirely in order.

Thanks!

[coollibrarian.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Many thanks!

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

thanks very much!

[mattcallow.livejournal.com]

happy birthday!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much!

[asphalteden.livejournal.com]

As all have said:

Happy Birthday! We raised a glass of my favorite cheap red wine for you, tonight.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Cheap red wine is a tribute, indeed. Thanks!

Look at the 1959 birthdays

[msajiva.livejournal.com]

Birthdays

Thomas Bewick 1753
Abbott Thayer 1849
Christy Mathewson 1880
Cecil B. DeMille 1881
Cantinflas 1911
Mario Moreno 1911
Jane Wyatt 1912
Michael Kidd 1919
Majorie Reynolds 1921
Joe Jones 1926
John Derek 1926
Porter Wagoner 1927
Mstislav Rostropovich 1927
Buck Owens 1929
William Goldman 1931
Larry Ziegler 1939
George Hamilton 1939
Jennifer Warren 1941
Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) 1949
Kid Creole 1950
Pat Metheny 1954
Sam J. Jones 1954
Danny Shirley (Confederate Railroad) 1956
Robert Gurdonark 1959 ~ important commercial lawyer in Garland,Texas
Suzanne Vega 1959
Roy Hay (Culture Club) 1961
Sir Mix-A-Lot 1963
Peter Krause 1965
Pete Sampras 1971
Casey Affleck 1975
Bill Uechi (Save Ferris) 1975
Dominique Swain 1980



On-This-Day.com
Music History


1644 - Composer Heinrich Ignaz Franz von Biber was born.

1696 - Composer Maurice Greene was born.

1877 - Thomas Edison invented the phonograph and made the first sound recording.

1940 - Will Bradley and his trio recorded "Down the Road Apiece."

1958 - Billboard magazine introduced the "Hot 100" singles chart.

1960 - The Silver Beetles recruited drummer Pete Best.

1966 - John Lennon apologized at a news conference in Chicago, IL, for his remark that "the Beatles are more popular than Jesus."

1967 - Fleetwood Mac made their stage debut in Great Britain at the Windsor Jazz & Blues Festival.

1970 - A Woody Guthrie memorial concert held at the Hollywood Bowl.

1972 - The Festival of Hope was the first rock festival to raise funds for an established charity.

1993 - The Red Hot Chili Peppers replaced guitarist Arik Marshall with Jesse Tobias. Tobias was replaced by Dave Navarro three months later.

1994 - Woodstock '94 opened in Saugerties, NY. The opening was on the 25th anniversary of the Woodstock Music and Art Fair.

1997 - MTV debuted the Fleetwood Mac reunion concert. The special was taken from two performances at a Warner Brothers soundstage a few months earlier.

1998 - Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots) pled guilty to felony heroin possession and was sentenced to three months in a drug treatment facility.

Re: Look at the 1959 birthdays

[msajiva.livejournal.com]

Since I don't know your last name I put it as Robert Gurdonark

Re: Look at the 1959 birthdays

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

That's cool! I thought the only thing that happened on 8/12 was the 94 baseball strike,and similar stuff.

[sortofkindof.livejournal.com]

Happy B-Day! (0r belatedly so...)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)!

[circebleu.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday R! Thank you for making me feel welcome when I first was getting accustomed to LJ.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Although, truth to tell, I always thought you were an LJ "old hand", who had it figured from almost day one :)

[laruth.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday Robert! An Irish cheer:

May you slide down the banniesters of life with nary a splinter.


Perhaps this is the "gift to be simple" from the song...

I think it's important to enjoy the simple things in life. So many times, people are caught up with having more than they do at present, being more important, having a bigger house, bigger car, higher paying job... As you said, it's really just a simple (or not so simple at the time) matter of going over each hurdle in our day to day life.

Happy birthday again!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

That Irish cheer is neat. Thanks very much.

[kenmora.livejournal.com]

Ah, the prime of your life, and a prime number. Happy (now belated) Birthday my friend!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I love the inward primeness of everything this year. Thanks!

[burninggirl.livejournal.com]

Look at me, running late as usual, even with the advantage of the time difference. Oh well. Happy birthday! I hope it was wonderful - that's certainly a wonderful entry you've written about it. : )

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much. Do you realize, that as you are 21 1/2 now (lovely post, by the way), and I am 43, you are now exactly 1/2 my age? This frightens me, a little, as biologically I suppose I am old enough to be your father, and yet we are equals :)
I am old, indeed.

[burninggirl.livejournal.com]

That thought did cross my mind more than once. How curious! Especially as it's almost to the day. I don't think it's you who's old; rather, you'd probably find me disturbingly young if we met. : ) The internet is a great equaliser in that way, and a great opportunity - where else could I find myself discussing all the little quirks of life with a 40-something lawyer? : )

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I don't know who would be old. I'm much more inclined to head to the local park for a hike or a kite fly than to head to Tuggarong for a vacuum-buying excursion, so maybe I'm actually older in age, but younger at heart :). For some reason, what always intrigues me is the way you and Iain ride buses almost everywhere. I do that when I travel abroad, but day to day it would be very hard for me to get about that way here.

LJ is a great way to put disparate people in communication.
I'm glad I "met" you on LJ.

[burninggirl.livejournal.com]

Now you're making me feel prematurely old! (My boss got all concerned last night when I told her I had no plans for the weekend, telling me a young thing like me should be going out and having fun. Does noone recognise the fun in relaxing at home?) But maybe it's more that all these "grown-up" things I keep doing hold an immense novelty for me. I don't feel like an adult, more that I'm playing at being one, and any minute now someone will discover the truth, which is that I have an emotional age of about fifteen. : )

As for, if you'd never mentioned your age I probably would have assumed from some of our LJ discussions that you were a few years older than me. But then there are your entries in which you talk about, not your past exactly, but your experience, and also a lot of the advice you've given me, which show you to be older and wiser. : ) And that's such a good thing, to get a different perspective on things. It's one of those things I do love about LJ. You're one of my favourite people on here, and if this were real life I probably wouldn't even have met you, much less talked to you about all these different things - Buffy, welfare payments, weather patterns and mass transit systems being some of the topics that spring to mind. It's good.