edited

[gurdonark]

On my mind tonight is a topic which, being work-related, I cannot discuss. One thing I like about LJ is that I am always conscious it is an open forum, unless I invoke the "private" or "friends" function. Tonight I am savoring that feeling that I am trying to post something coherent on "not Topic A", when in fact my mind is consumed with Topic A. It's really rather a good exercise. For example, I might discuss the time I drove one Friday night all the way from Dallas 500 miles to the Mexican border, and then rode the bus another 150 miles down to Monterrey, where I wandered the streets, watching street vendors and fire swallowers and the most earnestly devout people I've ever seen in a 19 C. neo-gothic church. It was a splendid Saturday, and perhaps the only time I have taken a 1300 mile roundtrip in a single weekend by vehicle. I once wrote it into a comic essay, which I still have someplace. But as I write this, the whole diversion is just a way to divert me from Topic A.

As a reader, I've mentioned that sometimes I feel that when I read other journals, Topic A is visible, in very light ink, between the lines of the posts. Tonight I am aware, though, that my own Topic A is with me as I write, but hopefully smudged, as I cannot even hint at what it is. This is a liberating concept somehow. It's an idea that is a tribute to the novelistic quality of the journal. I can tell the reader "ignore the Topic A behind the curtain", and the reader will think of nothing else but Topic A. If I had instead omitted Topic A, it would merely be a part of the narrative outlook, but it would not be a plot element at all. I like to journal around the Topic A's in my life, as the form of honesty I demand of myself in my journal requires me to refrain from the dishonesty which a public post on a Topic A would require. I tried the metaphoric language, the "this issue and me" generic discussion, the reduction of ideas to emotion. But that's not me. So instead I write that editing is an essential part of my journal. It is not that I wish to withhold anything from my readers, particularly, in the sense of "hey, I'm cooler than I would be in real life". I hope all my readers know I am a middle aged, wordy, overweight, ordinary looking, limited creative skills fellow. Rather, I wish to be free to explore ideas, and I cannot explore ideas if I wonder what confidences I am failing to keep and what sensitive emotions, other than my own, I am brushing up against. I find that I can be so much more creative if I take flights of fancy in thinner, but equally aerodynamic, gliders of fancy. I often compare myself to a magpie. The nice thing about this journal is that not only do I take a bit here and a bit there to build my nest, but I also can journal that that's what I'm doing. Every word is true. Every truth is worded. But Topic A is often missing. My marriage, my work, certain family matters. They are not that interesting. None of my readers would meet me, learn them, and go "aha". I like to think that people would meet me and find me more boring (my ideas exceed my demeanor, perhaps) than they'd imagined, but otherwise pretty much like the journal.

I have seen a number of agonized posts on this "public journaling" topic. Some people apparently unwisely publicly post things they wish they had not posted. Some folks find themselves resorting to all friends list posts, due to so-called "trolls" or "stalkers" or just a wish for simple privacy/freedom. I myself have always called my journal a "musical comedy". I mean that it is intended as light, public entertainment for myself and my readers. I place lots of silly and meaningful stories about myself in my journal, but virtually none that I regret letting the whole world read. I place a few things in, personal notes, a bad poem, that I am sure that not even my readers will read. I just want to diary them.

I find a freedom in this form of self-editing. I am who I am, but I do not invade anyone else's privacy as I write. I am not eager in this weblog to show myself and you "my life". I am eager to make that living connection which is truly Life, in almost a religious way. I am not worried that Topic A, B and C are omitted. The Topic A's of the world are vastly overrated. There are only so many secrets. I deal in secrets, and let me tell you, secrets are in the main banal.

I am quite opinionated, and I have that gift, useful in my field, of adapting my opinions to fit the things I learn. Sometimes I find my opinion evolving in the few hours between the post and the reply to the comments. I'm not wishy-washy, quite. I'm just a fluid thinker. The only posts I regret are posts that take too strong a position when I know I could have nuanced the position better. But even those posts serve their "LiveJournal" function. In real life, I believe those who know me best find me entirely consistent in my quirkiness; I fancy that my LJ is not that much different. I believe we should not all be down that we must edit our journals. I believe this editing is what makes us truly intriguing novelists.

So I sing the Body Edited. I choose neither the door with the lady, nor the door with the Tiger. I choose to write about the doors. I sell my birthright for pottage, but then I get rich trading pottage commodities. I show my inner soul, but not the mundane facts of my life. I began writing this post, titlling it "[topic A]". But I prefer "edited". The curtain rises, I say my lines, and as any good playwright is, I am my own best reader.
I fancy this journal is a more "true" version of me, even without topics A, B and C. But perhaps that is only the dramatic effect talking.

Comments

[amatrixangel.livejournal.com]

Now you've done it. I wanna hear about Topic A.

(!)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Yes. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

I find that I "censor" some of my comments about looking for work and comments about interviewing- just in case a potential employer connects the "reneesarah.com" e-mail address with my name at LJ. It's not likely, but it could happen. So the "censored" comments end up being "friends only" entries.

I have the feeling that it would be nice if I could make everything a public comment, since the censored comments do represent what I really am feeling and experiencing... but it does not seem prudent.

I hate that word "prudent". It spills off the tongue sounding too much like "prunes".

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I agree with you--it's not prudent in public posts. I think that sometimes editing is good, despite its shortcomings.

[kenmora.livejournal.com]

My marriage, my work, certain family matters. They are not that interesting...

My better half often asks me "did [you] write about [your wife] today?" Usually the answer is no, she seems to think this might be telling (or in this case not telling). But I've always had an understanding of the need for the personal "topic A."

As for me, my wife and daughter are so often a source of revelation and the fabric of my evolution, that the missing topic A would have the effect of printing a letter on swiss cheese. This is far from saying I don't have my topic A (and even B & C).

While writing in a private (paper or locally stored) journal, one often thinks of the possibility that others might someday read it, in LJ the fact that others WILL read it is definately "a player" in the writing.

P.S. Topic A or no, I would find your marriage interesting ;-)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

a letter on Swiss cheese....what a great way of saying it.

I sometimes am tempted to put more about my wife in my journal, but I think that the Tolstoy line about happy families being all the same applies....that, and my wife's own choice to make public or not make public what she will.

I do have a fun marriage, though....I suppose that is one Topic A.

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

I came to LJ so I wouldn't have to censor myself. I frequently use friends only mode when I feel like I'm speaking about more private issues that I don't want publicly accessed.
I recently took the LJ link off my marstokyo.com website...which should cut down on the availability of my journal as well.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

It makes perfect sense to me to use LJ as a place to speak frankly on a friends list basis. It also makes perfect sense to me to keep from linking to even public posts, altho that has not been my approach. My post rather addresses the possibility of using the "public" function for things other than what would other be private or friends list posts.
I did not intend to suggest that a better use of the friends key was anything but right.

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

Now this is intriguing. Especially this:

There are only so many secrets. I deal in secrets, and let me tell you, secrets are in the main banal.

I like the idea that there is only a finite number of secrets, and that we probably all have the same ones. (Am I mis-reading again?) I, too, am full of secrets, but they're pretty boring. I don't want the rest of the world to know that I'm boring, just that I'm bored, which seems to imply that I'm not boring. Make sense? I'm still cranking this through my head.

But...I have to admit I am curious about your "topic A"'s. Sometimes the obvious is the missing piece of the puzzle. Especially where personalities are concerned. When you're examining yourself, your life, it's easy to miss that which is right in front of you. Because you're so busy delving into the darkness, the secrets.

Yes, our lives are an open book, a novel, but one with pages ripped out (or altered!), with big black boxes liberally scattered across the text, and with marginalia in an illegible hand or dead language filling up the margins.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think you got what I'm saying. I think there are only so many secrets, so many shortcomings, and so many vices. I see folks with the same ones over and over. That doesn't mean we shouldn't keep our secrets; I value that people hire me to keep theirs.
I think your last paragraph is dead on.

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

personally , the secrets that have been revealed to me or by me to friends are entertainment for trivial pursuit

we like to share our most embarrassing moments or what's your biggest secret on game night

i grew up in a family still full of secrets yet there really is nothing new under the sun

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I like that idea--Trivial Pursuits.

I wonder if mine are Science or Literature?

Re:

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

mine are Sports

LOL

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

sports is good! but I would have guessed Arts and Leisure!

Re:

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

but we are talking "secrets" here :)

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

I see a lot of this in counseling as well. People will come in and think they are the first ones to ever, ever, think this/experience this/feel this. The rare treasure of human experience they present is often very, very common. Sometimes it is so common that I can guess the rest of the story before they tell me... although I try to keep my guessing to myself and stick to my job- which is to be totally present for the person telling the story. One time I lapsed, and said, "I bet your husband said this..." The lady thought I was psychic... but after a number of years there do seem to be a finite number of stories, although in infinite variation.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I feel like I used to feel in the barber shop when a mirror was in front of me and a mirror is in back of me. I see my reflection in the mirror of the mirror of the mirror of the mirror.
I tend to keep staring, though, to see if any of the reflections are any different. Folks' problems are the same. You hear the same issues over and over, and yet everyone imagines their issue is special and unique. I like commercial litigatoin, on the other hand, because the issues can be "new" or seem "novel". But emotional issues? The same, the same, the same.

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

wonderful commentary

[mockinggreylock.livejournal.com]

"I am eager to make that living connection which is truly Life"
"I'm just a fluid thinker."

I find myself very thoughtful after reading your entries. Perhaps I'll figure out how to put it into words :)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I'd love to hear your thoughts, if the words come.

[pavelam.livejournal.com]

I have had the same experience. My name is very easily connected to my webpage, and definetly while interviewing I was very concious of what I was writing. If I was an employer google would be my first stop. I always find myself considering my audience when I write. A lot of people I personally know read my blog, and I can't help but write things that will not offend them. For example, on my 21st birthday I did not go into details of drinking until I threw up just for the experience because I knew my grandmother would read it.

Then I consider that the entire point of a blogger is to write freely, and without and considerations. Still, I find myself much more comfortable sharing personal information with strangers than with people I know. Among friends the rule is "you do not speak of the blogger or anything said in the blogger in real life", and that seems to work.

It is odd though.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I can see your point of view, but my view of my weblog is not as all-revealing as yours. I do wonder, though, if revealing the "secret facts" really makes the weblog reveal much about the "real story". Much to think on!