In the hall of mirrors, nobody thinks you look strange

[gurdonark]

I've been pondering how much I enjoy reading swaths of peoples' journals. It's very nice, of course, to read day by day passages of what people write, and to live a journal in "real time". I also like to go back to people's early entries--as to both friends list folk and non-friends list folk--and read large series of days at a time. I'm intrigued by how there are essentially two types of people. Type One, we'll call it, being one of two types, writes all the Key Plot Details in the first month of her/his journal. Bones are rattled, bones are described,and all the rather vulgar bone puns could be made here. I am not into vulgar puns, though. I am into reading journals.

Type Two, we'll call it, being the second type, spends the first month in coy allusion and witty observation, before spilling the "guts" of the writer's innermost themes in the second month. Some journals, of course, are typeless (and a few, like the face of God, are immutable and changeless). But overall, most folks have Great Revelations to make, and usually make them in the first 60-120 days of the journal. This makes for fascinating reading, of course. I am endlessly intrigued that although there are only 7 deadly sins, 9 circles of hell and two tennis-playing Williams sisters, we all imagine that our personal dramas draw on new life and new civilization, that they boldly go where no person has gone before.

I personally feel that we *are* all individual, as are raindrops and fingerprints. Like raindrops and fingerprints, we are all special. Like raindrops or fingerprints, lots of our little idiosyncracies can be filed away in large drawers, to be savored by the collector, but perhaps not recognized as individual works of divinity by the casual observer. I feel as though I am one of those monastic brothers in a dark, candle-lit room, though, as so many manuscripts contain things that enchant me, delight me, and disquiet me about my faith(s). It rarely matters how poorly illuminated the illustrations may be, nor how non-standard the prose. I like reading them journals, no two ways around it. When I find a journal I think particularly well written, I am able to figure out
one more half hour of pleasant escape. I never knock pleasant escape, or satori on a hyperlink.

Last night I tried to add a bit of natural wonder to my own journal. My journal would be savaged in reality_review, because I am like the reviewed journal in which the journal-keeper had "no real idea of HTML". I had a disk of photos I had taken of outdoor scenes. Two were
workable/watchable. I had a website that I understood I had configured appropriately to receive these works of natural beauty, so I could share with all of you just how pasture-like and prosaic are the pale pleasant places I ply my playtimes in. I loved the one of the cedar tree in the weeds. But over and over, the webphotoalbum proclaimed "100% uploaded" simultaneously with "no picture received". I wish I had the excuse that I am intellectually incapable of understanding how to do this type of thing. That's not quite it. I am just so impatient that I refuse to learn to do anything that requires detailed mechanical or direction-following effort. I am one of those people who can intuit the universe from the light of a firefly, but heaven forbid that I might learn how to light a match on a new type of matchbox.

Last night, I felt a moment's urge to bewail my lack of cybersavoir faire over this "I can't even upload an (expletive deleted) photo" dilemma. I also gave a puzzled glance at my poetry book nervousness exchange, in which a re-bookcovering project involving modelling clay and construction paper has sadly gone awry, which may require much clayscraping and some repainting. We'll omit mention of how I've misplaced the card with the cool yarn on it which I am supposed to answer with a pic on corruplast in exchange, and how the person involved's address is "confidential" on nervousness and how the computer filing cabinet did not store the address. Let's move on to inspiration.

I had a wave of inspiration. I saw those Kodak Advantix pix of the Trinity Trail I had taken. I saw those cool looking stamps of the 50 states, or rather those of the 50 states not mailed out or pasted gratuitously on the side of packages, being more artistic than any artistamp I could make. I looked at my one dollar set of 24 colored markers. I heard an angel's voice (or was it Sarah Brightman, only with a better lyricist?) saying "postcardx, you can do postcardx". I love being able to do things I can actually do. I can actually address the back of a photo and send it to a stranger. So I did--eight photos in fact. They are now winging respectively to 7 states, and to Canada. Why do I feel this compulsion to share nature photos of
north Texas with others? Why do birds sing? Why do Livejournals spill their revelations? Besides, this will help me cope with the sea of throwaway camera photos I have accumulated. I notice that people seem to like receiving them, in a way that my sketches of plants or blue squids never seem to inspire.

A few weeks ago, I was re-reading my own journal. What a hall of mirrors. I like that no matter what I write, I am still me. It is a curse, a blessing, and a comfort. I used to say that the whole world were like me, it would be a less efficient, more hesitant but perhaps better place.
But now I'm not ready for categorical explanations. I'm ready to mail cards and packages and get cards and packages. I'm ready to write journals and read journals. I'm ready to do my work, and dream my dreams and care about the things I need to care about. I'll pray often, understand little, and think all the time. I'm ready to pause for a moment, and feel that moment extend into infinity, and then write it in my Livejournal.

Comments

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

this makes a great review of "livejournal"

perhaps it could be published?

i saw this new exchange at http://nervousness.org/lmao/index.cgi?id=4887 and thought of your foosball tonalities...is the genre "industrial music" apropos?

i am not well informed in this subject but thought i would pass it along anyway

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link! I'll check it out. I've put aside my own recording project for a few weeks, so that I can get someone else's finalized. Not that I know much about the non-legal ends of it, but I'm a good cheerleader.

and thanks so much for the nice compliment. You are very good for my ego.

Re:

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

and that's a good thing....;)

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

what type would my LJ fall into? I can hardly remember how I wrote back in the beginning, or if it's any different than how I write now.

[inushnu.livejournal.com]

lol this comment is SO predictable! I think anyone reading this would be curious also.. such a narcisistic forum....

but I have to admit that I don't see either of these types... not clearly, anyway... maybe i, too, need to read the early entries and then i can answer this but... still... i am not sure i can agree that these types are consise (not that you asked for my opinion or care... but i feel better having said that! lol like: no! i invalidate your "types" and thus enforce my denial of being NOT unlike everyone else as u say!! haHA! take that! hehe)....

;)

a respectful (if amused) rebuttal

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Your journal is always so exuberant.
In the first 30 days,we had 3 identical initial entries on how you are free to express yourself,
one journal entry on your lust for a fellow named Daryl, and a couple of journal entries on the general faithlessness of men. We have
journal entries about the struggle for serenity, and other journal entries about
just living life fully.

I smile when I read your early journal,
I need not make a very careful argument, because the evidence of your journal speaks far more loudly than the effective advocacy I could do....suffice it to say that by day 30, several inushnu themes are in FULL FORCE.

you gotta admire a man who knows how to dress

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I was reading your journal's start in the last week or two,
so I went back this evening to refresh my memory. In your first thirty days, there were some marstokyo themes--
--a discussion of the advantages of an AVAM artist over poor
Julian Schnabel
--a reflection on how working for other folks is difficult for you, because your aptitude frequently exceeds the position, and
you don't fit in;
--discussion of media figures such as Bono and James Gandolfini
to a perhaps greater extent than your current journal writing, but similarly alive in theme
---a good bit of reflection on what art is and means..."not every idea is good Art"....
--reflections on the difficulty of being an artist
--marvelling at how eccentric and wonderful Joe Wall is.

I find your journal consistently wonderful. But I'd say many of its "great themes" did surface in the first thirty days of entries.
You're arguably one to write who you are from day one, rather than to coyly save it for day thirty one (grin). You are an excellent argument for my point that journals should be read in swatches, though...as the context of where you are coming from arises from multiple entries.

type 2

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

I think I'm type 2. Is that what you think? Although, I hope I will forever remain coy and witty (if I ever was...).

Oh, and I always think my personal (pathetic) dramas are unique to the realm of human existence, even though I know they aren't. You're a keen observer of those who scream, shout, cry to be observed.

"The very quiet Louise had no idea", chapter 1, entry 1

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think in all fairness we must consider altered the
"real" initial journal for the purpose of this analysis. It qualifies as Type 2 by any measure. I find your work very coy and always witty, but again, I wish to avoid the daemon of abundant, if always heartfelt, praise. I like the way your userpix are emoticons, for example. Coy, and yet, not so coy as to be difficult. That wildcat is "hip", anyway. Is she some exotic beast from Africa, or are bobcats just a lot more vivid than I recall? We sure see a fair bit of her lately; that makes your journal fun to read, if perhaps arguably less fun to write.

I don't know about my being a keen observer of anything. I know only that I like people who try *really hard*. People who try to create things (including their own lives) and search out vocation and hunt for meaning. I find so many of them here on LJ, and you're certainly one of them. I was reading your journal recently, and thinking that you do indeed write well. "What fresh hell is this?" indeed. Sorry, that's effusion, as well as a needless Dorothy Parker allusion.

Once in a while it's hard to tell from context of your narrative or commenting voice the sarcasm from the heartfelt phrase, but I suspect that's a function of the listener and not the author. But I'll ask you the natural follow-on to the nacowafer journal--has it been the therapy for which you hoped when you began it in 7/01?

I like that you are so drenched in pop culture, although the WWF
entries always seem the *least* nacowafer to me. Your natural rebuttal, I suppose, is that they may be the *most* nacowafer thing in the journal. "Bring it on", "bring it on".

I was curious, by the way, if you'll pardon a journal reference intruding on real life. Was your own interest in the 2 cultures a function of a former beau who was a scientist? Feel free to
not answer if you'd rather not, but I'd think you're so solidly
*not* in the sci camp that I was curious if that might be your thinking.....

I personally am much too leaden to be coy, but I am often accused of being subtle. I like to think I am not subtle at all, but just speak in a quiet tone of voice.

Re: "The very quiet Louise had no idea", chapter 1, entry 1

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's a good point. Perhaps we should consider nacowafer to be an off-shoot of altered. That makes for interesting hypothesizing! I shall have to think about it more. altered is turning into a story about a very confused girl. I suppose nacowafer is probably just as confused, only not quite as psychotic.

That wild cat is so cool. Like a few of my other icons, it's an image from a British cigarette card. The illustrations of mammals on cigarette cards tend to be less well-observed that those of say, butterflies or flowers. So, she's a regular old bob-cat with quite the personality!

I think you are a keen observer...and I certainly didn't mean to sound sarcastic! I think what I was trying to point out, is that you don't let what people write necessarily get in the way or your trying to understand what one is saying. I truly meant it as a compliment. Although, I am quite frequently sarcastic.

This journal thing has been okay therapy. I don't feel like I've really worked anything out, but at least there is an attempt. And it's more valuable for the sense of connectedness it fosters.

I'm actually very interested in science. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone that route. In fact, I just this week wrote back to my friend the scientist and told him that very thing. But the actual acquisition of the book came from working in a used book store where we got paid very little but got first dibs on much of the merch. It was worth it!

There's a song I like which goes something like..."what goes in quiet, comes out loud/I'm working from the inside-out." I think about that a lot...

Cataloging the bones

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Neat hypothesis. I will hazard the alternative, but more poetic, hypothesis that altered and nacowafer are the *same* journal.
Nacowafer's journal is the external life. Altered is the life lived within. Of the 65,000 words of the Stewart novel, after all, you'll be editing down to your individual 5,000 or so. We can just be thankful that Ms. Stewart used those neat high flown
expressions that you might have been reticient to use
sans magic markering a gothic suspense novel.

I think that you might indeed have flourished in a life of science. I also think that your current training might be well applied in cataloging sci texts or body parts or something. I think that
it's the sense of *true meaning* and *true vocation* you're longing for. Perhaps it's less a matter of monographs per se than *which* monographs. Even within science, though you could be a capable researcher, I could also see you doing one of the "helping" professions with a science bent, somehow. A profession in which the
insecurities simply must be left behind in favor of
a meaning so obvious that it requires no reflection.
It's an interesting coda to your recent post about
your sci friend that you did write him. Always nice to get the "update" in the comments--it's like one of those odd Tolkien appendix to the appendices.

I did not realize they were cigarette cards, although I'm so arts-oblivious about most things
that I'm like the fellow who thought that Emerson, Lake and Palmer wrote "Hoedown". Speaking of which, I need to go look up that lyrical reference on google--one of the few times I feel like a dinosaur is when I can no longer identify an indie reference.
I like very much that lyric about things going in quiet and coming out loud.

It's too bad about the economics of life. I
have never "seen" you, but I can somehow just *see* you as some sort of bookstore manager, cardigan clad and full of good product referrals for the discerning customer. All my best videos, similarly,
come from the time my friend who got paid nearly nothing for managing a video store got first crack at the used product.

oh, and thanks for the compliment. I'm frequently sarcastic, too, which always makes me write longer letters, etc., so that my tone can be *seen* as sarcasm when it is. I'm also a bit archaic and high flown when I am serious, which some mistake for sarcasm, but I've lived too good a life to whinge on about lord how i've been misunderstood.

how do you have the time?

[sushimonkey.livejournal.com]

You amaze me that you seem to have so much time to read and ponder while still doing your lawyer work! I feel like I have nary a responsibility in life and all the time in the world, yet I can't manage to sit down and really concentrate on such matters. Maybe I should assign a day or a few hours a week to contemplation. Running used to do it for me, but now that it's getting more frequent and longer, it's becoming more of a focus on finishing instead of pondering other things...

Either way, I feel like my journal is just a place for me to purge or say "hey look at me!!" Sometimes I'll be working on a project at work and as my mind starts to wander, I go to my journal to get it out so that I can go back to thinking about the work at hand instead of something silly like baby names. The occasional "deep" entry comes about mostly when it's a quiet night or early morning on the weekends. But while in the office, I just can't seem to ponder anything excpet the guilt I have for spending too much time on LJ.

Thanks for the post--it's reminding me that it's time to THINK more!

Re: how do you have the time?

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Today, when I must get out a mediation brief,
two lawsuits, and a set of agreements makes me wonder when I ever have time for anything (grin).
I type very quickly, though, and don't put too much thought into things. I find when I am busiest,
I am able to read, write, think, the most.

I like your journal very much, because it
seems very "real" to me, and because I like that
"was a music person now what" place you write about now. I have not gone back to its root origins, but I plan to do so now that I think about it, so that I can learn your inner soul, and whether you are Type 1 or Type 2. Your journal seems thought out to me, btw.

But now I must go fight dragons and rescue businesses and the like.

[asphalteden.livejournal.com]

I feel like I'm reinventing the wheel every time I use LiveJournal. In a good way ... really. Still working out what my intentions are.

I think everybody should request a review on this "Reality Review." I asked for one this morning. Then we can all compare notes; to see just what the LJ literati really think. And then discount it and continue pressing our own ways as we started when we found out about this thing.

[sushimonkey.livejournal.com]

I requested a Reality Review a few weeks back. And I requested one form ReviewMe, which is the less caustic (and original) version of Reality Review.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Great userpic!

I like what you have to say, and I will spend time thinking on "inventing the journal". I love your journal...you're just so damn interesting, and you have good taste in music.

I do not consider the reality review folks real LJ intelligentsia, but maybe it would be fun to be reviewed anyway. I don't think they'd know that when I use "ain't" and "them things" it's a matter of southern dialect and not lack of knowledge of plain English. Besides, I'd have to redo my style to add anime geishas or whatever is cool these days, and that sounds like work.

[asphalteden.livejournal.com]

Oh, I was being purely nasty when I called them "literati." The whole pursuit seems a tad bit like all the things they decide to pan in their reviews. An interesting bit of projection on their parts. However, why not get ripped apart every once in a while? I think my ego will remain intact!

I laughed out loud when I read your last sentence ... I think that about says it all.

And thanks for the compliment; I need a little reassurance now and again. Your journal is refreshingly unapologetic in its honesty. I also get quite a lot from the area of the country and the fashion in which you live ... these different perspectives are so valuable to me.

[sushimonkey.livejournal.com]

Lately I've taken to going back to see what people wrote on Sept. 11. Fascinating that the hundreds (thousands?) of people on LJ would have the one same thing to talk about...

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Yes, I did that for a bit, amazing how many styles on the same content, and yes, so SAD....