rarefied emotions of penance and dispensation

[gurdonark]

"Many promising reconciliations have broken down because while both parties come prepared to forgive, neither party come prepared to be forgiven."--Charles Williams

It's much harder to be the offender than the offended. All these little social mores of "wronged" and "wronger". There's a power imbalance inherent in having committed a social faux pas. I wonder, sometimes, about the rarefied air that allows one to worry about casual social slights. I can think of so many things in this world where the offense is far more literal and disquieting. Who can worry about "did I hurt your feelings?" when kids get hunted down in Brazil's streets just for being kids. But I do worry about those things. I hate to offend. I will bend over backwards sometimes to make sure I didn't offend. It's a sort of sinful pride, I suppose. It's a conceit that my actions matter much more than they do. Yet, if my actions matter so little, why, I posit, have I managed to commit so many social blunders in what is still a reasonably short life?

I like the idea of Silent Unity, that buncha folks in Missouri who hang out in Unity Village, trying to attune with the Universal Mind and get things done for folks. But I posit that Silent Forgiveness might be of use--a way to cleanse the problems of imagined slight, without the need for words. Words of apology arise from such a power imbalance--the wronged, the wronger.
It would be so nice to just be able to use a silent glance, and know. You know. Silent forgiveness.

Lately I have this sense that I can close my eyes and daydream into vistas I've never seen. Silently. Maybe I'll try it for real, and imagine what it would like to live where I don't feel social slights so easily, and I never slight anyone. Thank goodness I don't usually have to buy indulgences to cover over sins, as this sounded rather an expensive process. But I'd like to worry about petty things less, and things that matter more. I'd like to be nearly senseless of offense, and quick to avoid offending (and make things right) rather than to live life in melodrama. There's just too much to do in life, and I'm bored of emotions.
I won't become Marcus Aurelius any time soon, but I'd like to liberate myself from the flaming wheel of petty worry.

Comments

[myasma.livejournal.com]

A while back I had an "ask me anything" lj poll in my journal, and you asked what kind of things I worried about. I never answered it because it stumped me. I'm still thinking about it.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think it's good not to worry, although the concept is entirely alien to me.

the silent glance

[cynthia42.livejournal.com]

I've learned that people need to deal with their own guilt, in their own time and way. I suppose prayer can help, though. And what can a silent, loving glance be if not a prayer?

I've felt, with a certain party, this sort of mutual, silent acknowledgement of (a big bad) wrong done, but it's never been completely absolved, you know? I can let it go temporarily, and have really moving conversations with him - even forgetting the wrong. Later, though, it's there again with me, making me doubt the real value of the discussion.

Then, maybe, if I had the guts to come out and say in words, "You did this... it hurt me, ... I forgive you..."

The one who expresses the true feelings makes herself vulnerable, whether it is in the form of an apology or an offerance of forgiveness. What a quandary!

Re: the silent glance

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Your example is a good one of a time when words do matter.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

wow, i really relate to this. i spend my life trying not to hurt feelings. it's my #1 cardinal sin, to hurt someone's feelings. as you say, in the grand plan, that's a small-potatoes sin. but i don't think i'll be able to quit worrying about it, ever. seems to be my nature. in the meantime, i have learned how to apologize very thoroughly!

excellent post.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I have the same issues that you have on this one.
I hate to hurt peoples' feelings, but then I also feel I'm really tactless. When I was young, I had to apologize literally all the time. I don't know if I'm better now, or just more insensitive. Thanks for commenting.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

the flaming wheel of petty worry! Brilliant image!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I have watched the wheel spin!

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

You and me and that post, we gotta mindmeld thing goin' on. :0 Thanks...

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

We must be vulcans!

[elkion.livejournal.com]

I spend a lot of time thinking about this. What amazes me is that everyone lives in their own microcosm. Many times, even people from the same neighborhood but different houses may as well exist on different planets. Really, I believe that it is impossible always or even most of the time to know what will offend whom and why. In fact, I am often often offended by other people's indignation because I feel it comes from a dark place inside them, stemming from selfishness, pride, narrow-mindedness, etc.

I work for a government contractor and recently took an online course about diversity. What struck me was the assertion that our beloved Golden Rule is not always an appropriate guideline. Many times, people do not wish to be treated as we want to be treated.

So, I've been trying to give myself grace and not take things personally, whether I'm the offender or the offended. I realize that navigating the treacherous waters of human interaction and communication is important in terms of my career. I wish, though, that everyone would chill out once in a while!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Lately I think a lot about diversity, not only diversity along socio-ethnic-societal lines, but sheer diversity in how similar people view life.

Maybe the problem is too many channels on cable TV.

[kenhighcountry.livejournal.com]

"Many promising reconciliations have broken down because while both parties come prepared to forgive, neither party come prepared to be forgiven."

I've been meaning to come back to this for days now. It is not only brilliant, but it is so true. And I had never considered it, until I read this.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

When I saw the quote, it suddenly seemed so true to me, too.