put out the big light

[gurdonark]

"Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
when I hear the silly things that you say. I think somebody better put out the big light, 'cause I can't stand to see you this way"--old Elvis Costello song

I have a friend who described meeting an old girlfriend, years after they parted. During the time they were dating, he wanted to marry her, have 2.2 kids, and live in a ranch house. But she wanted to move on to more fascinating quarry--perhaps more attractive men, perhaps more "social" men.

Years later, though, she returned to visit my friend, apparently hopeful that they might resume dating. The discussion was congenial, but his response was negative. As he phrased it later "I just had to laugh".

His reaction differed entirely from what would have been my own, as any woman who ever had the poor judgment to choose to go out with me deserves and receives a sort of honorable mention in my personal hall of fame.

It is a curious thing, though, to meet someone whose personal fortunes worsened since the time when one was closer to them, friend-wise. This applies across the board, and not just in that tacky "see, you stopped going out with me and it turned out I was the best thing you had going for you" sense. When former friends or acquaintances go through misfortunes, one feels somehow that one psychically could have "seen" this coming. When an enemy has great fortune, one feels blindsided by life.

The "toting up" and "scorecarding" of people is perhaps natural, but it can be corrosive. I think sometimes I ought to turn off whatever lamp makes me pay attention to how people turned out. I do learn sometimes from the stories (amazing lessons like "alcohol in excess is bad" and "marrying rakish
men who dumped you before will probably not work out well"), but I think this sort of judgment makes me far too much like that Saturday Night Live character The Church Lady than I ever wish to be.

Comments

[uscwriter.livejournal.com]

It is hard to not keep tally on what happened to who (whom?). I always want to do this with the people from high school, especially the ones who were nasty to me, and one particular old boyfriend. I find tahht it bogs me down though, if I dwell on it longer than fleetingly.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think "bogged down" is exactly the right way to put it!

[niyabinghi.livejournal.com]

Your post made me cringe, but I give you credit for writing about his honestly.
When I fell on hard times and 'friends' dropped like flies...well, I'll never forget it. When I ended up having better fortune and they came 'round again, I wanted nothing to do with them.

Real friends don't gage/measure you by your financial worth.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Real friends don't try to gauge you by anything, really. They just try to be there and care, I think.

[nickelchief.livejournal.com]

I think sometimes I ought to turn off whatever lamp makes me pay attention to how people turned out.

There is a certain absurdity to that scorecarding: if one of my high school peers gets killed by a snowplow in on a stormy night in Montana, and another turns out to be Ben Affleck, what's the value in deducing where I stand between them? The spread of possible outcomes is so vast, it renders any measurement empty.

But it's still damn-near impossible to turn out that lamp.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Exactly. What does it show? But my lamp, sadly, sometimes still burns.

[eurekapancake.livejournal.com]

Your aim is true.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Every day I write the book.