self-consciousness

[gurdonark]

Sometimes when I post something here, I become self-conscious about what I posted. I imagine hidden meanings (or perhaps blatant meanings) that readers may read into posts. In some instances, a post "outshoots" from ideas in a comment thread in another journal. Almost always, the post takes the general topic and goes another place with it, rather than merely "replying" in a journal post. I tend to reply in comments rather than in posts. I tend to post about my own experience on a topic, or my own notions. I'm amused but not particularly troubled that my journal tends to be about me and my own notions on any given topic. If my post bears any relation to any topic I've discussed elsewhere, though, I worry that I offend someone by posting it.

It's a funny thing, this journal exhibitionism. There's no question that my posts are informed by the other journals I read, and by the comments to my own posts. Because my posts thus far are unfiltered, I post everything so that, in essence, the public can read. But then I have to think about who is reading. Whom might I offend? It's an odd thing--on the one hand to want to post for the world, on the other hand to worry that a small portion of the world might actually read and react.

It's a rarified self-consciousness that I experience.
I want to post and say "x", but I also "want" the comfort of being self-conscious that I posted and said "x". The construct is flawed, somehow.

Reacting to other journals through comments poses different, but also self-conscious issues. Some folks who keep a journal here think about things in ways that I easily understand. With a few of my LJ friends, including one or two of my favorite ones, the ways we approach problems can be so different that all the assumptions I make in discussing an issue with a "real life" friend do not apply to a journal friend. With a journal friend or two, we resonate in some ways so closely, and then in other ways we are so vastly different. This makes for a curious interaction. When I extend myself in comnents, then I worry that I've invaded somone's space. But what is a journal, if not an invitation to share some sort of space? I am not surprised that I sometimes wish I could meet someone to discuss a topic face to face, as the advantage of nuance and the sound of voices would be useful to sort out how people really feel about things. But I am surprised that I wish sometimes to communicate by e mail or IM with someone on an issue, as if that would be more "direct" than a journal comment--surely, other than perhaps some "privacy", one gains no real advantage from the other virtual communication modes.
I frankly do not have such scintillating things to say that privacy should matter--it's just that e mail is less "self-conscoius".

I don't lose sleep over my self-consciousness, and I don't think I'm going to buy a self-help book called "Post with Feckless Pride in 30 Days". But when I have that slight gnawing "what if you offend someone" feeling, I might smile just a bit, recognizing a curious foe.

Comments

[kayre]

Personally, I like direct contact any way it comes-- email, responses, IMs (CayreMI)-- and the more the better!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I generally feel the same way, although I do sometimes run out of IM time.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

i'll second that! isn't that generally what
communication is about, though? self-censorsip/
letting it all hang out? i usually say that LJ
has saved my sanity. it is an extra window on the
world, this virtual talk-a-thon, therapy group,
reaction to our own/others lives. sometimes a
sophomoric bull-session, sometimes deep communion.
whatever. keep 'em coming, Robert, we enjoy reading/
responding to 'em.
~paul

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I do enjoy posting them, whatever they mean.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I've been agonizing a bit over the inherent contradictions in a "live journal" too. I think at root I'm struggling to decide whether this is "real communication" or somehow a "false position" I've put myself into. Having kept a written journal since age 11, and that was in 1959... I have difficulty resolving the question of whether this public journaling is essentially for my own purposes or a sort of multi-conversation. And if it's a conversation, is it authentic or is it a whole bunch of us lonely people playing at make believe? There now I have probably offended EVERYONE including myself. But I do struggle with these questions to the point of lying awake with them...

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

And if it's a conversation, is it authentic or is it a whole bunch of us lonely people playing at make believe?

Yes! I very much worry about this, too. I wear my loneliness and fragility on my sleeve, at least in my journal. But I wonder about everyone else. Are they really what they seem?

[eve-l-incarnata.livejournal.com]

I confess... I'm actually a nebulous cloud of pure energy.

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

Ha!

I'm actually a burly manly man!

[eve-l-incarnata.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, I swoon (In a nebulous way, of course)!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I always get it all wrong. I always thought you'd be a pure cloud of nebulous energy!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I wonder about the journal/real life contradiction as well. I don't know what to make of it. I've met a few people from LJ in real life, but only briefly. They were recognizable from their LJs. But sometimes I worry that no journal ever really captures anyone, and I worry that although I wish to capture myself, I do not succeed.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I suppose I've always assumed that the public nature of the journaling gives it a "literary" or "musical comedy" quality. I think that it's an entertainment in most ways, but an entertainment that seems to establish connections. I don't have good defintions, but I'm always interested in what LJ means.

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

I like to post to the general public, but am also aware that to do so is to publish one's thoughts to the world and to lose control over who reads it. Very few people read what I post, or care about what I say... and yet anything I post in public is potentially available to the whole Internet community, which is a wild and largely unknown entity. Posting something publically means I would be willing to say what I have said to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

Sometimes I post things that I would like to have the intimacy of only known friends reading. These are the more sensitive or revealing posts. These posts, which I would not want co-workers on the job reading and commenting about for example, go "friends only."

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Those are good thoughts. I can see where you're coming from.

[amatrixangel.livejournal.com]

Be direct. Post nude photos. Get over 500 new lj friends overnight.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

A nude photo of me would be much more apt to lose than gain.

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

your heartfelt sincerity and humor again, at it's best

posting in lj is ALWAYS an exercise in overcoming self-consciousness for me...it took me some weeks before i even posted a thing

though i don't post daily or at any length, i've come to rely on the interaction and my integrity is important for that to happen

what you see is what is what you get

but no nude photos :)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

thanks for the comment. Speaking of which, it's about time for me to get that dollar store notebook rolling back your way!

Re:

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

:)

[myasma.livejournal.com]

I think about this a bit myself, usually after someone else posts something about wondering whether they should be more raw or open in their LJ.

I see my own journal as more of a reflection of my mood than of my life. There are big chunks that never see the page, but whatever does is generally an accurate reflection of where I'm at at that point in time. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and there is a lot more going on in my head. I am sometimes tempted to just start spilling it all out, but usually (wisely)refrain and allow it some time to ferment.

There are times that I say more in comments than I do in my own journal. Today is one of those days. This is the second big comment I've made. I wonder what that means.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Making your big points in comments means that you are not hung up about where your profundity lies--you're profound whenever it's called for :).

[robertstheology.livejournal.com]

Robert, I enjoy your writing.
You are intelligent, honest, articulate.
Even when we disagree, I find you informative.
That, for me, is a large part of the charm of lj.
Vive la difference!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Vive indeed, and thanks!

[msajiva.livejournal.com]

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I like reading your posts very much, too, although I am not as good about commenting to them as I should be. I love that graphic!

[cinderellaca.livejournal.com]

It's an odd thing--on the one hand to want to post for the world, on the other hand to worry that a small portion of the world might actually read and react.

I know exactly what you mean. I want to be truthful in my posts, true to who I am and what my feelings are. But there is always that suspicion that someone out there will hate me for what I say. So I find myself, often, watering it down to what I imagine would be more palatable to the reader. When, in reality, the reader would, most likely, not have a strong opinion one way or the other regarding my little sentiments.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

That's a good point. I sometimes realize that others are not as obsessed with my every nuance as I am.