fluorescent hearts
Jun. 6th, 2003 06:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gurdonark"Shall we weigh along these streets
Young lions on the lam?
Are the signs you hid deep in your heart
All left on neon for them?"--Rickie Lee Jones
One thing I like about weblogs is that entering posts in the privacy of one's own home, it's easy to feel a bit more liberated to enthuse and effuse more than I do, say, at Boston Market (though on second thought, I give a very rousing, heart-on-my-sleeve version of "half chicken, two vegetables, the green ones, please, wheat roll, could I get an extra wheat roll?").
I've always maintained parts of my life cordoned off from view here,
as I feel that my clients and my spouse really don't need my public descriptions of all that much of their lives. When I began, I figured that the "musical comedy quality" I intended to give to journal posts (in my mind, a cross between Rodgers & Hammerstein and PG Wodehouse, only nobody is going to sing "There is Nothing Like a Dame" in my posts) would prove unduly restrictive. In fact, I find that I say far more here on LJ than I do with any but my spouse and very closest real life friends. I wonder at the selfishness inherent in that, because for all the fact that I love my friends' list folks, who are more than kind to me, I do use this journal (and my ridiculous sidejournals) for personal notes, writing exercises and the dreaded "self-exploration" (rather like being with myself, and saying: was that post good for you? yes, it was good for me, too. really.). It's become a kinda personal hangout for me, with me. So I tell myself what I am feeling. It's a bit like the guy in Brideshead Revisted who related all emotions to things he saw in movies or read in books.
But I never appreciated how much I effuse in life until I began seeping emotions in my journal. I think of myself as a person who, though more than a bit emotional and a serious dollop sentimental (and frightening amounts of just sheer mauldin be-here-now-ish), keeps a pretty firm control on emotive expression. I don't cry much in public, or express the sentiment of the Wodehouse character that the stars are God's daisy chain, or anything like that.
Yet I notice since I began keeping a journal that I'm much more willing to directly express an emotion to a friendly acquaintance than I was in past times. I think this is a "plus" of the journal process; a confidence in oneself through self-exploration translating into real life. I've always enjoyed the way that keeping up with what one thinks has an odd way of making one act in conformity with one's values. No wonder the Puritans journaled madly.
I notice, too, though, that the way I deal with work stress reduces my angry moments to a bare minimum. It's a bit daunting to imagine that all my "deep emotions" are just a result of poor scheduling and planning of deadlines. While other folks have rich, intense emotional lives, sometimes I think my own negative emotions come down to not much more than "not good enough" and "should have thought this through better". My positive ones? "Happy". "Content". Sometimes even "rested". Not the stuff of deep complexity.
Yet I am intrigued by the neon nature of the LJ experience. I feel sometimes like a flashing sign--"Walk", "Don't Walk", "Construction Traffic". Sometimes this troubles me, as I see just how flibbertigibbetty my moods can be. But in general, I must admit that I like the idea that people read things about my life that I don't speak about that often outside of my weblog. It's a curious thing, because I believe that my only private post so far was an image I test-posted wrong, but forgot to delete, and I have yet to make a "friends only" post. So anything I say here I have in essence said to anyone in my life who wishes to read. I have a defense, though--there's just too much to wade through for almost anyone. It's a bit like those Pacific sardines whose main defense against sharks is that there are just too many of them to eat.
I think there's a downside to all this, too (I am nothing if not able to see both sides). I find myself extremely intrigued to hear comments on what I consider my most personal posts, and, like virtually every poll respondent to a recent poll I ran, I find that my most "deeply personal" posts get far and away the least response. I compliment myself that I am not comments-obsessed, and post a fair number of things that interest mostly only me. But I notice also the flip side--I do post sometimes to entertain. But I do like musicals to have a sing-along.
With many of my friends (a dozen come to mind in short order), I wish I could understand even more about them than I already think I understand. It's funny, because I am drawn the most to the people whom I feel that I understand the best, and yet those folks are the ones about whom I wish I knew more. This is where the "wish I could have this level of open discussion in a real life setting" comes in, with the inevitable "what things would we say that we don't say in journal". I'd ask so many questions. I'd nod, with comprehension, once I got the answers. I'd probably give an answer or two.
But that's the problem with effusion. Get a small, satisfying dose on LJ, and next thing you know, you want more. It's never enough, is it? Social interaction that works is so intoxicating. When it is great, one wishes only for it to be better. I suspect that Porsche owners sometimes long for Maseratis. In my real life, I drive an old Ford sedan. I only long for 20,000 more miles. But in LiveJournal, sometimes, I dare to dream.
Last night I wondered to myself what I will do when my partner retires. He is nearly a decade older than I am (though, as these curious things work, I have been in practice a year or two longer).
Someday I'm sure he'll opt to retire, in a future much, much less distant than my own retirement. I've so enjoyed our firm that it's hard to picture soldiering on in x years when he does so. Yet somehow LJ, which has encouraged me to write, to record bad music (a negative mark, I suppose), and to dream, makes me start thinking--what would I do, what training would I need? Maybe it would be fun to be something other than an attorney someday. Maybe I could re-invent what being an attorney means, even further than I have already. The past three years of owning my own firm, along with the past 16 months of LJ, teach me that I am much more capable of doing things I did not know I could do than I ever dreamed. The curious thing, though, is that this involves not only trusting myself more, but sometimes changing my definition of what success means. When one lives in the world of daydreams only, one can never do anything, because the definition of success is so unrealistic. I think keeping a weblog helps me define how I want to live a bit better, in a doable day to day way.
I must admit, though, that I never knew my heart would be so visible, or take up so much sleeve, or be so darned colorful. I never really looked at it so closely prior to coming on LJ.
Young lions on the lam?
Are the signs you hid deep in your heart
All left on neon for them?"--Rickie Lee Jones
One thing I like about weblogs is that entering posts in the privacy of one's own home, it's easy to feel a bit more liberated to enthuse and effuse more than I do, say, at Boston Market (though on second thought, I give a very rousing, heart-on-my-sleeve version of "half chicken, two vegetables, the green ones, please, wheat roll, could I get an extra wheat roll?").
I've always maintained parts of my life cordoned off from view here,
as I feel that my clients and my spouse really don't need my public descriptions of all that much of their lives. When I began, I figured that the "musical comedy quality" I intended to give to journal posts (in my mind, a cross between Rodgers & Hammerstein and PG Wodehouse, only nobody is going to sing "There is Nothing Like a Dame" in my posts) would prove unduly restrictive. In fact, I find that I say far more here on LJ than I do with any but my spouse and very closest real life friends. I wonder at the selfishness inherent in that, because for all the fact that I love my friends' list folks, who are more than kind to me, I do use this journal (and my ridiculous sidejournals) for personal notes, writing exercises and the dreaded "self-exploration" (rather like being with myself, and saying: was that post good for you? yes, it was good for me, too. really.). It's become a kinda personal hangout for me, with me. So I tell myself what I am feeling. It's a bit like the guy in Brideshead Revisted who related all emotions to things he saw in movies or read in books.
But I never appreciated how much I effuse in life until I began seeping emotions in my journal. I think of myself as a person who, though more than a bit emotional and a serious dollop sentimental (and frightening amounts of just sheer mauldin be-here-now-ish), keeps a pretty firm control on emotive expression. I don't cry much in public, or express the sentiment of the Wodehouse character that the stars are God's daisy chain, or anything like that.
Yet I notice since I began keeping a journal that I'm much more willing to directly express an emotion to a friendly acquaintance than I was in past times. I think this is a "plus" of the journal process; a confidence in oneself through self-exploration translating into real life. I've always enjoyed the way that keeping up with what one thinks has an odd way of making one act in conformity with one's values. No wonder the Puritans journaled madly.
I notice, too, though, that the way I deal with work stress reduces my angry moments to a bare minimum. It's a bit daunting to imagine that all my "deep emotions" are just a result of poor scheduling and planning of deadlines. While other folks have rich, intense emotional lives, sometimes I think my own negative emotions come down to not much more than "not good enough" and "should have thought this through better". My positive ones? "Happy". "Content". Sometimes even "rested". Not the stuff of deep complexity.
Yet I am intrigued by the neon nature of the LJ experience. I feel sometimes like a flashing sign--"Walk", "Don't Walk", "Construction Traffic". Sometimes this troubles me, as I see just how flibbertigibbetty my moods can be. But in general, I must admit that I like the idea that people read things about my life that I don't speak about that often outside of my weblog. It's a curious thing, because I believe that my only private post so far was an image I test-posted wrong, but forgot to delete, and I have yet to make a "friends only" post. So anything I say here I have in essence said to anyone in my life who wishes to read. I have a defense, though--there's just too much to wade through for almost anyone. It's a bit like those Pacific sardines whose main defense against sharks is that there are just too many of them to eat.
I think there's a downside to all this, too (I am nothing if not able to see both sides). I find myself extremely intrigued to hear comments on what I consider my most personal posts, and, like virtually every poll respondent to a recent poll I ran, I find that my most "deeply personal" posts get far and away the least response. I compliment myself that I am not comments-obsessed, and post a fair number of things that interest mostly only me. But I notice also the flip side--I do post sometimes to entertain. But I do like musicals to have a sing-along.
With many of my friends (a dozen come to mind in short order), I wish I could understand even more about them than I already think I understand. It's funny, because I am drawn the most to the people whom I feel that I understand the best, and yet those folks are the ones about whom I wish I knew more. This is where the "wish I could have this level of open discussion in a real life setting" comes in, with the inevitable "what things would we say that we don't say in journal". I'd ask so many questions. I'd nod, with comprehension, once I got the answers. I'd probably give an answer or two.
But that's the problem with effusion. Get a small, satisfying dose on LJ, and next thing you know, you want more. It's never enough, is it? Social interaction that works is so intoxicating. When it is great, one wishes only for it to be better. I suspect that Porsche owners sometimes long for Maseratis. In my real life, I drive an old Ford sedan. I only long for 20,000 more miles. But in LiveJournal, sometimes, I dare to dream.
Last night I wondered to myself what I will do when my partner retires. He is nearly a decade older than I am (though, as these curious things work, I have been in practice a year or two longer).
Someday I'm sure he'll opt to retire, in a future much, much less distant than my own retirement. I've so enjoyed our firm that it's hard to picture soldiering on in x years when he does so. Yet somehow LJ, which has encouraged me to write, to record bad music (a negative mark, I suppose), and to dream, makes me start thinking--what would I do, what training would I need? Maybe it would be fun to be something other than an attorney someday. Maybe I could re-invent what being an attorney means, even further than I have already. The past three years of owning my own firm, along with the past 16 months of LJ, teach me that I am much more capable of doing things I did not know I could do than I ever dreamed. The curious thing, though, is that this involves not only trusting myself more, but sometimes changing my definition of what success means. When one lives in the world of daydreams only, one can never do anything, because the definition of success is so unrealistic. I think keeping a weblog helps me define how I want to live a bit better, in a doable day to day way.
I must admit, though, that I never knew my heart would be so visible, or take up so much sleeve, or be so darned colorful. I never really looked at it so closely prior to coming on LJ.
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 05:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 06:25 am (UTC)A very eloquent way of expressing how I feel about LJ too. When I started, I kinda wondered what I'd have to say every day. I've been surprised at the amount of flibbertygibbertyness that lurks in my own soul. It's been cathartic and inspiring (even if most of my friends reading it either can't make head nor tail of it or find it crushingly boring).
=o]
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 07:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 08:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 06:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 07:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 07:02 am (UTC)(I find that this is my normal reaction to your posts. For what that's worth. You can almost assume that I smile with each one, and I'll just chime in with a smile at the ones that make my smile a little brighter, a little bigger.)
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 07:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 08:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 09:17 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-06-06 09:19 am (UTC)You have a lot to say that resonates with me.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 11:35 am (UTC)It'll be fun watching you hit 100 (or 37 or 125 or what have you) in the poems project.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 09:58 am (UTC)To be revisited later...I've just been writing comments and responding, not getting out what I need to get out. The only thing I've posted this week has been a birthday greeting. I need more time/a separate existence to write my own stuff!
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 10:28 am (UTC)I seem to have 3 things going on at once today.
I hope I didn't confuse myself here....
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 11:45 am (UTC)Over the past few weeks I've felt our e-conversation has been something like my monopolizing someone's time at a big party, when there are plenty of other people who want to talk to that person, and he wants to talk to them too. The puzzler is that you're the "popular guy" at the party, or the charismatic one. My self-esteem is strong enough to not wonder why you're talking to me. But how do you manage to devote so much time to each online friend and maintain intimacy and sincerity? My more cyncial nature would lead me to think that this is the politician's gift, that talent for making each person feel special and in the spotlight. It feels genuine when I am the recipient of the attention, but I wonder how that is possible.
More questions, but a variation on that theme: How do you manage do it all, in general? It cannot be as simple as making a list and sticking to it, as you've alluded to, can it? Do you ever sleep? How does someone who has a career as an attorney, has an active personal life, exercises, gardens, etc., have time to write 10 poems and a lengthy essay, interview as many as 25 people with care and respect and be interviewed, all in one day?
I hope this doesn't sound peevish. It comes more out of personal frustration and wanting to learn from how someone else manages to balance things successfully. And of course, growing curiosity/feeling closer to you friendwise.
- g.g.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 12:04 pm (UTC)I have the facility to write and type extremely quickly, and the facility to multi-task to a great degree. I work on a system in which I bill clients, and I do not bill them unless I am working on their matters. So sometimes I work rather late-ish to fit in my work along with my diversions. Eventually, I must convert to a "go to work at dawn" so that I can get home for an earlier dinner.
As it sits now, my "long" posts are done at dawn or late night most of the time, though I've not empirically checked the times to confirm that's my "post time". My wife sleeps late in the morning, and turns in earlier than I do, which gives me the spare time.
Everyone's situation is so very individual. I do not think that ready comparison between people's stamina is very productive.
I have immense stamina, but literally cannot organize anything material. Everyone is different. I've written 17 poems in the past 2 weeks, true, but I spend no more than 5 to 10 minutes a poem. Only posts take very long for me to write, and it's because I proofread so poorly. I blanche (blanch? blench?) when I see things like the misspelled words in this recent poll, but easy proofreading is not among my skills. I have to spend time, and time is at a premium.
I was about to put something trite and self-congratulatory like "I'm very direct with people" to explain why I can make friends with a lot of people, but I don't think that's it.
I do not manage to devote as much time to everyone on my friends' list. I'd estimate roughly 12 people on my list are people I interact with the most, and perhaps 4 or 6 (depending on counting method) the very most. But I read quickly and retain much of what I read, which helps me stay connected to other journals. The meme questions I generated were just quick things tossed off for fun, other than 2 in which I did not know a friend or a stranger, in which case I looked up subject matter in their journals. In one of those, it was eerie, because a reference to the band Yes made me ask an early Genesis question, only to learn to my surprise that the journaler was a big Gabriel fan.
I don't propose to offer some grand theory for everything. I enjoy reading your journal and interacting with you, though I certainly don't pretend to understand all I read or learn.
I just try to be a good LJ friend, which, to me, is about reading and interaction. I think that with a few LJ friends, asphalteden, naco, you, burninggirl, mars, of course my real life friends kenmora and gregwest, some others, I feel I "know" a bit more and interact a bit more. But my "secret" is that I tend to write quickly and respond quickly and multi task like mad. I almost hate to write that, because it makes me seem more cursory than I think I am.
Hmmm...thanks for the comment. this has me thinking.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 01:19 pm (UTC)After I finish up some of my intended entries, the subtext/baggage for this line of questioning should be clearer.
Best,
from Laurie
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 10:21 am (UTC)since I arrived on LiveJournal! My goals today
have very little to do with outward things like
money, travel, physical fitness.
I have become interested in the inner journey,
in integrating my feelings into my thinking, in
becoming whole, in building relationships.
I have cherished meeting many intelligent, kind
and interesting people here. And my relationships,
with my wife, and with my children are slowly
growing better. After two years as an alien, I have
yet to find a career, or many personal friends here
in Calgary. While praying, and working to change this,
I am also learning contentment. I am learning to love
what is, not what could have been, or what might be someday.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 11:35 am (UTC)Thanks for commenting. How did you come to move to Canada?
Re:
Date: 2003-06-06 11:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 11:49 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-06-06 12:05 pm (UTC)Calgary is the most beautiful city I have ever seen. I love it here!
Thanks for kind words about my journal. I enjoy yours very much!
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 12:31 pm (UTC)Ack! Work! I can't allow myself to fully consume this now, but... thanks.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-06 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-08 06:21 pm (UTC)Wonder no more. I find these posts to be the best of all and I'm sure it's the same for others. We so long to connect and understand and be understood and those things happen best when we can read a post like this and nod along the way thinking, "yes, yes, yes!" I find myself saying that a lot while reading your posts -- and then add to it that you are a very smart and entertaining writer because you have a keep and thoughtful mind -- ah, I could read you for hours.