ways out, ways in
May. 11th, 2003 09:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gurdonark"And she's clinging to the nearest passer-by
And said: "I've lost control again".
And she gave away the secrets of her past
And said "I've lost control again."
And she turned to me
And took me by the hand
And said "I've lost control again"
And how I'll never know just why
Or understand
She said: I've lost control again"
---Ian Curtis
I find that self-confidence poses such a tremendous challenge.
Self-doubt looms like one of those cobras on the Discovery Channel, hypnotizing one of those cute rodents; inexplicably, it becomes impossible to fight, and high hopes turn to entree status in short order.
I think that self-confidence is an under-appreciated quality.
But the faux self-confidence of motivational seminars and sales pitches rarely carries me far in life. I find that I spend a lot of my life trying to avoid dross and inauthenticity. I don't mind marketing myself, but I want to market only myself, not that trait I perceive will impress someone with me.
I love spirographs. The pen or pencil point goes into the hole, the plastic 'graph' spirals about, and something odd and wonderful emerges. But sometimes in real life, the spirals wind in, like a broken Slinky. It's all there, somehow, but it's all bent, and not quite right.
I think that the problem sometimes lies in the wrong kind of selflessness and the wrong kind of selfishness. Selflessness should not mean self-abnegation, as nothing can get done without some baseline belief that one can do something. Life matters. One defines how one will make it work. Selflessness as a quality of conscious surrender of one's own best interest for a higher good makes perfect sense; this is a noble act. But selflessness as one more way to act out despair is so pointless, so devoid of grace. Assuming poverty as a matter of resource allocation is one thing, but poverty as a "selfless" act of self-flagellation is another thing altogether.
Similarly, excessive selfishness is a vice. But a sense of self--this is what I wish to do, this is what I need to exist, this is how I will get there--this sense is essential.
Who said that it's a rule that nothing can be achieved, so why bother? It's so self-defeating to put one's dreams in towers which can never be scaled. If one is freed of the necessity for compromise, then one can rest on the laurel impossibility of one's dreams. I believe in compromising, but in compromsing with faith that the goals are worthy.
I distrust people who suggest that dreams always come true. They have not read their history; they have not visited Skid Row. They have not even glanced in the eyes of the person at the mall. But although dreams fail and die before our eyes daily, dreams are one ingredient of accomplishing things. A failed dream, earnestly sought, can feed a soul; a dream abandoned merely rots one.
I think that in my life, the thing that has happened far too often is that I've defined my dream as unachievable, and then never worked to get it. But quashing one's dreams at concept stage can be so stunting. Calvin Coolidge, of all people, said "All growth depends upon activity. There is no development physically or intellectually without effort, and effort means work". The question, I suppose, is how to trust myself to know what is worth working toward. I must believe in myself.
During the past few years, I make a conscious effort to try things I suspect I am not good at doing. My law firm is now nearly three years old, and I find I have learned to market my services well. Once I fancied myself unable to market anything. I wrote a novel in ten days as part of nanowrimo.org, because I thought it was important to set an impossible goal outside my skill set and do it. The novel is not any grand read, but the sense of accomplishment is nonetheless worthwhile. I still intend to print it up, as I have this ambition to be listed on amazon.com with a bad work of sci fi. I recorded an album, participated in mail art, and am now haltingly working on starting a chess club out of this same spirit--go, do, experiment, trust myself.
I don't have any particular skill or finesse at much of what I do for fun. I am no great charmer. I am no great aquarist. I am no great fisherman. I have to raise succulents, because they are all I am good at, other than perhaps terrariums. I play chess a fair bit above average, but not with any great skill. My poetry is pedestrian, written not to impress but to connect. I hike short hikes, and take bad pictures. But I trust myself to be myself, and that matters to me, somehow.
But I don't worry about talent. I just try to trust and grow.
Lately, I think it would be great fun to meet a number of my LJ friends. I know that I am not prepossessing in any way, really. I'm just a sometimes wordy, physically overweight and unimpressive, mildly eccentric, largely boring kinda okay nice-ish pseudo-intellectual dreamer kind of guy. But I am not worried about that. I somehow feel that connection with others is not about whether people found me fascinating, but whether I can commune with friends. Friendship requires a baseline confidence, I think. With many of my LJ friends, I feel a baseline trust that I know something about them, even if I know few of the actual details of their lives.
I think that the paralysis before the cobra devours one is not a time when all is lost. I think that one can awake from the paralysis. But my antidotes are all shamefully simple.
I don't believe that the deus ex machina descends onto the stage; I believe that the voice within speaks.
What does it say? Why, it says: "You can escape. But you must believe. You must hope. You must have faith. You must work".
There is no promise of Paradise, no guarantee of success.
There is only no other choice than to try.
Faith, hope, love...the greatest being love. So goes the formula. I believe in that formula. But though love may be the greatest, faith and hope are very important, too. I believe that the way to gain control is to feel a faith that things can work and a hope that kills the cobra. I want to stand before all my inward cobras, free of their spell.
And said: "I've lost control again".
And she gave away the secrets of her past
And said "I've lost control again."
And she turned to me
And took me by the hand
And said "I've lost control again"
And how I'll never know just why
Or understand
She said: I've lost control again"
---Ian Curtis
I find that self-confidence poses such a tremendous challenge.
Self-doubt looms like one of those cobras on the Discovery Channel, hypnotizing one of those cute rodents; inexplicably, it becomes impossible to fight, and high hopes turn to entree status in short order.
I think that self-confidence is an under-appreciated quality.
But the faux self-confidence of motivational seminars and sales pitches rarely carries me far in life. I find that I spend a lot of my life trying to avoid dross and inauthenticity. I don't mind marketing myself, but I want to market only myself, not that trait I perceive will impress someone with me.
I love spirographs. The pen or pencil point goes into the hole, the plastic 'graph' spirals about, and something odd and wonderful emerges. But sometimes in real life, the spirals wind in, like a broken Slinky. It's all there, somehow, but it's all bent, and not quite right.
I think that the problem sometimes lies in the wrong kind of selflessness and the wrong kind of selfishness. Selflessness should not mean self-abnegation, as nothing can get done without some baseline belief that one can do something. Life matters. One defines how one will make it work. Selflessness as a quality of conscious surrender of one's own best interest for a higher good makes perfect sense; this is a noble act. But selflessness as one more way to act out despair is so pointless, so devoid of grace. Assuming poverty as a matter of resource allocation is one thing, but poverty as a "selfless" act of self-flagellation is another thing altogether.
Similarly, excessive selfishness is a vice. But a sense of self--this is what I wish to do, this is what I need to exist, this is how I will get there--this sense is essential.
Who said that it's a rule that nothing can be achieved, so why bother? It's so self-defeating to put one's dreams in towers which can never be scaled. If one is freed of the necessity for compromise, then one can rest on the laurel impossibility of one's dreams. I believe in compromising, but in compromsing with faith that the goals are worthy.
I distrust people who suggest that dreams always come true. They have not read their history; they have not visited Skid Row. They have not even glanced in the eyes of the person at the mall. But although dreams fail and die before our eyes daily, dreams are one ingredient of accomplishing things. A failed dream, earnestly sought, can feed a soul; a dream abandoned merely rots one.
I think that in my life, the thing that has happened far too often is that I've defined my dream as unachievable, and then never worked to get it. But quashing one's dreams at concept stage can be so stunting. Calvin Coolidge, of all people, said "All growth depends upon activity. There is no development physically or intellectually without effort, and effort means work". The question, I suppose, is how to trust myself to know what is worth working toward. I must believe in myself.
During the past few years, I make a conscious effort to try things I suspect I am not good at doing. My law firm is now nearly three years old, and I find I have learned to market my services well. Once I fancied myself unable to market anything. I wrote a novel in ten days as part of nanowrimo.org, because I thought it was important to set an impossible goal outside my skill set and do it. The novel is not any grand read, but the sense of accomplishment is nonetheless worthwhile. I still intend to print it up, as I have this ambition to be listed on amazon.com with a bad work of sci fi. I recorded an album, participated in mail art, and am now haltingly working on starting a chess club out of this same spirit--go, do, experiment, trust myself.
I don't have any particular skill or finesse at much of what I do for fun. I am no great charmer. I am no great aquarist. I am no great fisherman. I have to raise succulents, because they are all I am good at, other than perhaps terrariums. I play chess a fair bit above average, but not with any great skill. My poetry is pedestrian, written not to impress but to connect. I hike short hikes, and take bad pictures. But I trust myself to be myself, and that matters to me, somehow.
But I don't worry about talent. I just try to trust and grow.
Lately, I think it would be great fun to meet a number of my LJ friends. I know that I am not prepossessing in any way, really. I'm just a sometimes wordy, physically overweight and unimpressive, mildly eccentric, largely boring kinda okay nice-ish pseudo-intellectual dreamer kind of guy. But I am not worried about that. I somehow feel that connection with others is not about whether people found me fascinating, but whether I can commune with friends. Friendship requires a baseline confidence, I think. With many of my LJ friends, I feel a baseline trust that I know something about them, even if I know few of the actual details of their lives.
I think that the paralysis before the cobra devours one is not a time when all is lost. I think that one can awake from the paralysis. But my antidotes are all shamefully simple.
I don't believe that the deus ex machina descends onto the stage; I believe that the voice within speaks.
What does it say? Why, it says: "You can escape. But you must believe. You must hope. You must have faith. You must work".
There is no promise of Paradise, no guarantee of success.
There is only no other choice than to try.
Faith, hope, love...the greatest being love. So goes the formula. I believe in that formula. But though love may be the greatest, faith and hope are very important, too. I believe that the way to gain control is to feel a faith that things can work and a hope that kills the cobra. I want to stand before all my inward cobras, free of their spell.
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-11 07:39 pm (UTC)supposing we were communing, the rest would be up to our moods, i suppose. i imagine we would be as intellectual, or ridiculously silly, or as pleasant, etc, as we wished to be at that time... no way to know ahead of time you know?
lol now if that doesn't give you self-confidence, i dunno what will lolol.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-11 08:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-11 07:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-11 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-11 09:59 pm (UTC)there's some harmony of shared thinking going on here that stimulates me more. thanks.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 02:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-11 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 02:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 01:37 am (UTC)i admire you for your efforts at pushing yourself beyond what you perceive as your talents.
keeping a journal doesn't call for talent, it is what it is, but you have made it an art. your writing displays a talent for distilling subtle perceptions soberly and clearly. it is probable that this subtlety of perception and feeling is your unique talent.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 06:27 am (UTC)Too many people feel that allowing themselves to grow personally and intellectually is much less important than making enough money to live comfortably, or provide for others, or procreate, etc etc. They take the path of least resistance, in that self-reflection or contemplation become a waste of time better used for mowing lawns and purchasing groceries. It is simply easier to get swept up by mundane details, arcane faiths and philosophies, and successful careers.
Of course, these mundane things can and should not be abandoned, but too few can carry on the continual process of learning about onesself while also dealing with these varied life duties. One has to be a juggler of roles in this life, rather like dancing Shiva ... but it is the individual's decision how far he or she wishes to take his or her own development.
You may feel that you are taking an easy road, but you aren't. The alternative may have less mind chatter, and less dark moods--but it is also missing the high plateaus and the oceanic feelings.
And I think your journal is well written ... and dammit, I know, and I am fully qualified to know, and it is.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 10:51 pm (UTC)To just allow oneself to experience all there is in this complex, lovely life takes so much stamina, and so much courage. I'm not sure I always have that courage, but I try to have much less fear as time goes on.
Now if I could just master keeping my office organized!
a thank you note. really!
Date: 2003-05-12 10:17 am (UTC)e.m. forster says 'only connect' which i love. you arent' seeing how important your connecting is. personally,i don't like poetry that is written to impress,which is probably why i don't like a lot of it! (i like robert frost and whitman and allen ginsberg. i dont know much poetry. oh,yeah,maya angelou too. and i think jack kerouac's prose is poetry. and a few of my favorite lyricists write poetry that way. anyway....) i also think your poetry is better than you may think!
listening to joy division...is that an indicator of your mood?
i kiddingly say sometimes,when someone asks me how i am,that i've been listening to morrissey...implying my mood that way! it seems to me that your are writing here in your common philosophical way,but that you are maybe reaching out for a bit more...to connect,methinks. and i haven't really experienced much of your melancholy,if that is how you feel,on lj. i wonder if it has something to do with the fact that you are usually even-tempered and give out lots of good advice to others,and that others may forget that you're human and would like some feedback for your psyche and things in your life as well. i'm having a bit of a time expressing this,but i hope you know what i am trying to say. i have a sister who is calmer and less prone to melancholy than the others,and the danger is that sometimes we forget that she has feelings and needs nurturing too,even though she is more stable more of the time than we are.
a noter above mentioned your gift of perception. which is very interesting because i had in mind today to mention to you that you have the jesus-like quality of truly SEEING what is real. part of that may come naturally to you,but i also think you have probably nurtured and given that trait a workout over the years to keep it in shape. 'use it or lose it' and you've used it and made it grow. to add one more christian-inspired comment,you took the talent and made more from it and gave it back to the giver by giving it to your fellow humans who represent God on earth. i often hear the lines from a song we used to sing in church 'whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers,that you do onto Me' meaning Jesus/God.
i often berate myself for not using my talents and yet i do and overlook it. i have a talent,i think,for communicating. nothing fancy,but i am able to do it through inspiration. and sometimes not. i don't really see the results or perhaps because i enjoy communicating,that it therefore is not worthwhile. but on the other hand,often i communicate out of a sense of love and a certain committment on an individual basis,even when i dont' 'feel' like it and i hope that that is really some kind of love in action i give back to my Creator through His image representatives..other beings...here on earth. i have a weakness,though,as evidenced here,to so often making things all about ME. oops. there i go again...
my intent was to mention and thank you for your seeing. a recent example that particularly struck me was one of your recent entries where you wrote about bravery. i daresay i saw myself in that,and need to remind myself that i am brave and i also have to remember that i have no idea what kind of bravery others need to get through their day,and to not be so judgmental. and to not be so judgmental to myself!
or to put it succinctly (can't resist,i love that word!) as opposed to this long long rambling walk through the jungle of my mind-
yes,in other words:
thank you!
Re: a thank you note. really!
Date: 2003-05-12 10:54 pm (UTC)I've always thought the woman in "She's Lost Control" represents the perfect 'moment in the trap', the time when it all seems inescapable and ominous. That's why I chose that character for this post; I remember being 25, and listening to JD's dirge-like sounds, and feeling a little world-weary, but in fact, I was only young.
I think a talent for communication is a potent thing, and I'm glad you're recognizing yours.
Re: a thank you note. really!
Date: 2003-05-13 08:12 am (UTC)just last night my webtv keyboard conked out (and it may do so anytime again,but i've ordered a used one as a backup)
so i couldn't do anything.
and once a couple of years ago,i was looking into trying to make a living by writing on the internet,and i got a leg injury and had to stay in bed for two weeks,one of which was a week's vacation when i'd had plans to look into this...so i took it as a sign that i was going in the wrong direction. not that i've stopped writing. but i'd like to have God's endorsement,since i don't know of any other talents i have. of course,i may have interpreted that wrong,i don't know! i get confused very easily.
and maybe i'm just supposed to get out of the house more (though i think i do plenty,working full-time in a retail store and going out to do necessary things and to the library,etc.) i guess i'll just plod along not really knowing!
no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 04:09 pm (UTC)I'm trying to be restrained here, when what I really want to do is jump up out of my seat, kick my heels together and say, "Holy sh*t, he's got it! He's got it!" I want to take your words and run with them down the street, fling them as confetti at passersby.
I want to send
Heh heh. This made my day. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-12 10:55 pm (UTC)That
no subject
Date: 2003-05-13 01:03 am (UTC)nice post.
cross-pollination is good for flowers and people.
what your writing talent seems to me to accomplish
is cross-pollination between people.
and that's good for all of us!
~paul
no subject
I very nearly put that Joy Division song as one of the alternatives for the Bhagavad Gita poll a couple days ago :)
no subject
Date: 2003-05-15 12:27 am (UTC)