the virtue of hard work on fragile boxes

[gurdonark]

"Don't make me warn you of stars, how they see us from that distance as miniature and breakable, from the bride that tops the wedding cake to the Mary on the Pinto dashboards, holding her ripe, red heart in her hands"--Beth Ann Fennelly

I think a lot of folks experience so much emotion, that it's amazing how well they function. It's as though some physical autopilot must "kick in" to get the mundane work tasks done, while the inner life resembles all those tornado storms which seem to afflict Oklahoma lately.

Sometimes the LiveJournal experience points up for me the way in which the inner life can be such a roller coaster. I think of one journal, not on my friends' list, in which the journaller, a bright, capable person, went in the space of literally about nine weeks from break-up-and-declaration-that-all-relationships-are-a-sham to met-the-new-person-and-we're-going-to-the-chapel-someday. Of course, the journal's fiction-like qualities make me unsure of the literal truth of either set of emotions--but what a sea change! The part of me that secretly always wants to carry an extra portable pencil sharpener and safety pins, to ensure that I'm never caught in 7th grade class unprepared (though, in fact, I was always unprepared for anything), gets tempted once in a while to post something like "hey, slow down! perhaps the reasons that your relationships never last is that you're already talking closing the long-term contract before you've even had someone look at the foundation!". But what business would I have to post such a parental comment? I don't like the parental comments I already post, because I am not a parent at all in life, and would not be a good one, if the evidence of my journal comments were the sole indicia. Besides, I'm not sure my "life on a calm lake" perspective gives me much insight into stormy seas.

I just wonder at the way in which some folks are so full of life and energy and tremendous fragility. They work so hard, with super-glue pasting together the most tender egg shells. They run headlong into huge, impregnable walls, confident that they can break them down. They see themselves as failures, but I see them as so brave. I note that their deep valleys often come with huge, magnificent mountain heights. I just wish sometimes I could give people the gift of seeing themselves as being as cool as I see them, but the sentiment could never really translate into effective words. But people are so brave--and so fragile.

Comments

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

I for one, have had similar thoughts about a particular journal. (Maybe the same one?) And I don't comment much there except about arts and crafts...

Anyway, I just wanted to mention that I, personally, miss your more "parental" comments in my journal. I know you may worry that you don't have the full story. Or maybe I didn't indicate just how appreciative I am of your interest and the time you take to provide a response to a vaguely veiled call. Or maybe you've just been busy! But I miss it, nonetheless.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

It's funny that you say that, because your journal is one in which I always feel that I give more advice than is warranted! During my recent business trip, it was hard to do much more than post very brief posts, being on public library computers across southern Detroit, but I had to literally restrain myself not to encourage you in your art history interest. I'll put in your journal my thoughts about that! I love your journal, and will resume commenting unabated. I always worry about being omnipresent, so thanks for the assurance.

I'm sure we're talking about the same journal, somehow. I don't want to say too much, because I would sound negative, but sometimes I see how A + B sometimes leads to C, where A = acting on first infatuation and B = wanting so much to be in love, when it comes to emotional turns of events. But relationships are very complicated, and sometimes even a hastily-contracted one works out fine.

I got your letter this week! Wow! That is one darn great booklet! I don't go in much for envy, but I'll be small and petty enough to admit that I envy your talent. You're doing this essentially avocationally, but you do so well.

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

Yay! I thought maybe I'd written something so offensive that you just weren't gonna put up with it any more.

I'm so passive-aggressive, I just couldn't come out and ask.

But I'm glad you received your envelope!

Re: that other journal. I completely envy her life minus the relationship crap. She's living my dream! Well, maybe not. But I can't fathom how quickly and effortlessly some people are "in love" and ready to start a new life with someone. Crazy! Sometimes A + B does = C, especially in terms of cause and effect.

point to ponder

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Nothing in how she's living her dream could elude you.

If she had the stability of the income you have, my guess is she'd live her dream even while working as well.

Query to ponder: she sells constantly, but it's never offensive. Watch how she does it for cues on how.

I don't know her at all, and yet I like her. What a joy it is to read a journal of a fascinating stranger.

Re: point to ponder

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

Nothing in how she's living her dream could elude you.

Well, I do think the fact that she doesn't work an 8-5 job allows her more freedom to do what she wants. I think she doesn't have a "regular" job because she knows how detrimental it would be to doing what she loves. But that's just a guess. A recent post in her blue bicycle journal (May 10), seems to support that, though. I just don't have that much energy. I admire people who do, but I can't get up and go to work for nine hours, only to come home and do it all over again on stuff I really care about. Though, I'm not currently living with my mother, so that's one plus to my current lifestyle.

Re: point to ponder

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I'm a pretty pragmatic person. I think that if you wish to make an income devoting all your time to non-job-type income producing devices, you could do so. But I was reading an interview with Julia Cameron the other day, in which she disparaged the notion that writers "should" write without a day job, because virtually nobody has that, unless they have financial independence otherwise. I believe you are a Murakami fan. He spent his time while he was initially writing managing a jazz bar, until age 32. Meryon was in the French navy as a cadet, working on his sketches after hours. All the things you "can't" do, your idols did. I don't believe that you "can't". If you'll look at writers you admire, you'll find few to zero who were independently wealthy, and used their free time generating great material. sortofkindof says this better than I do, but there is some quality/adversity interconnection. That's why when I have suggested to you in the past new paths, I've always assumed that one path is the writing/art path, and another path is your day to day vocation. I agree that it is entirely possible that you can achieve sufficient income doing art or writing sales (and particularly, perhaps seminar work) on your own to generate an income and perhaps have your cake and eat it, too. Because you want to do it with a minimum of loan proceeds, hence risk, you'd want to start it as an "after work" project, and then grow the business (this type of growth, via the business' own success rather than some investing angel, is called "organic", because the business essentially "grows itself"). I admire that moderngypsy does so much of this, although I respectfully submit that living in a home in which one's mom pays half the rent and harangues one about going to work at Wal-Mart is perhaps not quite the Artist's Way. So I see the problem differently than you do. I think you'll have to have a day job, unless D.'s career path is such that he could someday earn enough to "float" you as a full time free lance. But I think that you need work that energizes you, and not drains you. I wonder if you shouldn't write, as in be a journalist, or something, or if you shouldn't get a skill in what seems like meaningful work to you. It need not be "high falutin'". When I got my spectacles yesterday, I noted the "optician" and said "that's right work, just like in Buddhism", because one is a skilled professional without all that much training, one earns an income with integrity, and one is master of one's own trade. I'm not saying that's what you should do, I speaking concept here. Work should be something in which you give a d which you get. That's why you went to college. You feel, rightly or wrongly, as if you're doing neither now. No wonder you feel all blocked up. There's more at work here than work, I know. You've
got all sorts of alleys to explore. But one way out of the guilt and despair, it seems to me, is "right work". Your novel will follow. If you'll take reasonable care of yourself, your current life expectancy is 80 or so. That's FIFTY YEARS in which to do your work. Charles Williams wrote 7 novels and 1 fabulous poetry cycle.But he spent years at O University Press. He understood that his "work" mattered, as well as his literary work. Why must you be driving an Inifiniti, wearing cashmere, and lolling about your computer all day? I'm sorry to disillusion you, but I don't see leisure as the path to glory here.

But see, now I sound harsh, when in fact, I think you're on a path that will inevitably lead you to the light. I don't think you're gonna put up with misery for the rest of your career, and I think you want to have a good career, a good marriage, a nice house, and all the other accessories. I think you're too sensible to just groan in agony, and that this is all prelude to SOMETHING GRAND.
I just don't know what you're going to pick, but I'm watching with rapt attention. I am also eager, if it will help, to help you figure out how to do it, and eager to stay out of your way if
having "help" just makes things worse.

My best to you, and my deepest assurance that you're not at all a bad person, and you can have this thing you want, if you define the problem correctly.

Re: point to ponder

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're right, you're right. I think my biggest problem may be laziness. But I think you aptly noted that I do feel all "blocked up," in more ways than one. It would help to have a day job that didn't seem so pointless. It's amazing how being bored all day can really drain you!

Thanks again. I'm listening.

Oh! I hope you didn't somehow get the impression that I want fancy, expensive things. Because I don't. Although a dresser full of cashmere, I wouldn't refuse! The luxury of time, freedom is what I feel denied.

on reindeer and cashmere

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

My wife did a few years doing free lance. As a money maker, it was no real success, as she did not get enough assignments to really make it pay, and did not really enjoy doing queries. She's happier in a more structured environment. She temped at a placement service for a studio to bring in some extra money.

But one thing she got from the deal was an assignment to write an article about a Baltic Cruise. I got to go for a nominal payment and an airfare. We hit lots of Euro capitals. But the part pertinent to this story is when we stopped in Finland. At a huge Helsinki department store, we found inexpensive long-hair Finnish goat blankets. I got one for my mother, which was just so luxuriant, and although most things in Finland are somewhat dear, this was entirely reasonbly priced. When I think of cashmere, I do not think of literal cashmere, but I have a vision of having a long-hair Finn goat sweater. It's silly, but there you have it. At the dinner at a nice restaurant, the reindeer appetizer came in little cocktail sorbet glasses.

I never suspect you of any SARS-like case of materialism. One thing I like about you is that while you like cool things, they need not be expensive things. I am a big believer in 5 dollar and 10 dollar excursions into art and things.

Time! I'll be 44 in August. You feel as though you're accomplished so little. I talked of starting my own firm for nearly fifteen years before I bothered to try it. I imagine all the things I did not do but could have done. Perhaps I'm your cautionary tale.
Make your choices now, so you can be better than me.

But I work much, much harder than you do, and yet my work does not drain me. I don't think this is about "I'm hard working and you're lazy". I think this is about "I like what I do, and you don't like what you do".

I wanted to ask you something. Did you like the job(s) you held just after college and just before the master's program? Have you ever had a workplace you liked? That's the ticket! What worked?

Re: point to ponder

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

oh, and speaking of the luxury of time, I'm sorry if I'm commenting you to death...

[asphalteden.livejournal.com]

carry an extra portable pencil sharpener and safety pins

Gee, what are the safety pins for?

I suppose even when I am doing the mundane tasks, my inner mind is still working on not working at all. It's how it's supposed to work, I reckon. But emotion is that double-edged sword. I've seen people ruined by it and people making their peaces with it. It depends on disposition and perspective, I know, I know.

I too have missed your comments. In a funny LiveJournal way, I've thought of you as something of my elder brother on here. I try to be as truthful as possible, but, big brother is watching.... ;)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

You know I completely love your journal, and think of you as a lesson in "right living". I will be a better commenter!

[wildgarden.livejournal.com]

This is such a tender entry.
I am glad you seem to be back, had the sense of you very busy for a time.

I know what you mean about the giving of advice. I plead guilty of this too!
And while a little paternal advice can be of great benefit,
It's important to be skillful in measuring out the dose and the time.
Just a little suggestion seems often to be most effective.

Also as a parent I have found that respecting your children's right to make thier own mistakes is perhaps the hardest and most fruitful (for them) approach.

I am sure that had you chosen to be so, you would have been a good father.
The main ingredients, love, patience, humor, are not missing from your journal.

[chevrefeuilles.livejournal.com]

I am sure that had you chosen to be so, you would have been a good father.
The main ingredients, love, patience, humor, are not missing from your journal.

Well said. I agree completely, and was just about to offer the same sentiments.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

measuring out doses and times...yes. That's the tricky part.

I have been very busy lately, but I hope to post and especially comment more soon.

[cathla143.livejournal.com]

I really like this post. Some of us are very good at donning facades and doing the mundane things that need to get done, and even appearing calm and cheeful on the outside, when underneath it all, storms are raging, and we haven't a clue as to how we're coping, let alone actually try to work out what needs to be done.

I agree re: the A + B = C thing... I kind of believe in love at first sight, but I think that sometimes people are so needy (even if they believe they are not) that they can't be "alone" for even the shortest time. And even if they have friends galore, they need that "someone" for security. I know people just like that.


I've missed your comments and posts. I sense that you've been very busy... The "parental" comments are always welcome. Even though I *am* a parent, sometimes I don't quite think things through, and let my "inner child" take over...

Welcome back!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

You and I share a fondness for pithy sayings. I don't always comment to the ones you post, but I like reading them.

I used to love that New York Dolls song "Looking for a Kiss" because in it, the narrator speaks out that he's "talking about LUV!, L, U, V!". I think there's a lot to be said for that first rush of infatuation, and for the wonderful things that spring from it. But marriage, or long term relationship or even deep friendship, involves so much more than that crush. That doesn't make the crush a bad thing--quite the contrary--but it does make you wonder at folks for whom the crush is the ONLY indicia of what's real. Whatever a crush is, it's not what's in the long run the most real thing. It's in my view largely a useful device to start the ball rolling.

But it is fun to have a crush, I suppose. Sadly, though, some folks are awfully needy. I think that a certain form of open-ness to self-expression makes one more needy. Maybe I'm less needy because I am not a writer or artist :)

[asphalteden.livejournal.com]

Of course you are a writer!

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Shhh!!! I'm in my non-writer mode today :).

Closed yet?

[asphalteden.livejournal.com]

May 30 ... cross your fingers.

[chevrefeuilles.livejournal.com]

This is beautifully felt and expressed. I wish I'd had you along at my shrink appointment yesterday. };)= Your caring comes across in those comments that you doubt, and is very much appreciated.

Funnily, lately I have been receiving most of my advice from the people I need advice about. It is difficult not to respond defensively/with sarcasm.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Why, thanks!

The problem I have is different. Everybody in my life sees me as my own thing, too off the beaten path to need much advice :).

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I've never been able to see myself as, I guess, other people see me. Or even truly believe that other people see me the way they say they do. It's a perception problem that manifests itself on every level--physically, mentally, emotionally. I guess the one relationship that I truly trusted as being genuine is that with my son. And I'm gradually watching him take the natural steps toward adulthood and independence...happy for him that I prepared him so well.. at a loss for myself. (broken record)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I wish you could see yourself as being as talented as I see you. You'd never experience a moment of frustration again, knowing that even if the world never understands you, your work really matters.

I saw an aphorism I liked this week--'the Vikings were made by the cold north wind'. Adversity is not only an enemy--it's also a weapon and a blessing.

But people are so brave--and so fragile.

[t-pot.livejournal.com]

yes.

and, like nacowafer, i miss your long, elaborate, parental comments in my journal, too.

Re: But people are so brave--and so fragile.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Don't miss me! I'll be commenting again in detail!

[starling321.livejournal.com]

I love your thoughtful supportive comments! And think you would make a wonderful father...but you've choosen to be more of an uncle and I'm sure you're a wonderful one.

reduced to boasting

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I thank you. I will also shyly admit that I am a really great uncle.

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

It's always good to see ourselves as others see us. Folks like Anne Lamott and Geneen Roth warn against comparing our insides to others' outsides. One great argument for compassion under all circumstances is that we never really know (even here) what burdens others carry. You try to remember that, a fine thing.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

You know, Anne Lamott did an NPR piece on This American Life that really was great the other day. I had always been less than fully taken with her until that piece.

You never know what burdens anyone carries.

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

cool! I'll try to access that.

[alleypat.livejournal.com]

Some people never allow themselves time to heal between relationships, and like others who pick the wrong person, etc, make the same mistakes over and over again. Even when you see the mistake, it's hard not to do it. Maybe this is co-dependency, I dunno. But I see it a lot.

Many times I think I hold back too much, never running full throttle at the brick wall. We all have our weaknesses.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

In a lot of cases, I think people have never seen a functional relationship, and thus can only enter into dysfunctional. But no one rule seems to define all failures, or all successes.

lollol

[nancyjane.livejournal.com]

i've never thought of you, or your posts, for that matter, as parental. ;). well-educated, well-rounded, well-meaning, and, well, fair. it seems you are so careful to filter what you say through the filter of being fair... but that's not a bad thing. nonetheless you're quite gifted with words robert and you choose them well, i like to believe the insight i get from them is well-aligned with the original intent :)

i like your comments very much, on mine and other's journals.. and i like your posts very much as well

---

what you say of people's emotions is an interesting point for me to ponder. trying to imagine what it would be like to be so full of emotion and not be bipolar. indeed. lol. i had a taste of 'normal' emotions while i was on meds (not now because i'm trying to get pregnant still) and they were experienced, processed, quite differently. yeah i dunno... luckily i didnt have the need to explore a full range of them or anything ! - right? lol :) ...

Re: lollol

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I have a fair number of bipolar friends and relations outside LJ. Bipolar disorder is such an interesting thing--almost beyond the scope of this post. But that's the trouble with posting on any "biggish" topic--so few universals apply.

Re: lollol

[nancyjane.livejournal.com]

yeah well posting most things on bipolar are beyond my scope as well, most definitely...

human emotions are fascinating though. i don't think my biggest problem in handling them is being bipolar, sometimes i doubt if i really even am, or if it's something that even really exists -- other times its something going on in my head bothering the hell out of me that i can't ignore but its not really me, its some distortion.

instead, i think my biggest problem would be: i've fallen victim to what everyone must, i think, and that is reacting to my own parents... for some time i underestimated that whole cycle, its meaning and its power. but in that way i'm just like "everybody" else. can't be escaped. for my part, i'm having trouble facing it, assessing its meaning and moving on.

Re: lollol

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think it's important to break that cycle. But it is So hard! In my case, I no longer rebel much against my parents, but instead watch their traits swarm and bleed all through me. As my folks age, and their healths are less perfect, I come to appreciate how much they have given me.