the problem of forgiveness

[gurdonark]

Yesterday on our flight home I finished Trollope's novel The Duke's Children. One incident in the novel struck me.
A wealthy young man of noble origins in 19th Century England, named Lord Silverbridge, owns a race horse in partnership with Major Tifto. Major Tifto lacks wealth, noble birth or standing in society, adopting the term "Major" largely as an honorific and employing himself largely as a master of fox hounds. Silverbridge gets Major Tifto admitted to a club, admission to which Major Tifto might not otherwise have attained.

The details of the plot are not all relevant, but it comes to pass that Major Tifto becomes a part of a conspiracy to swindle Lord Silverbridge. He "nobbles" the horse that he owns in partnership with Lord Silverbridge, by placing a nail in its hoof. He receives for this a fee from gambling folks who wish to bet against the horse. The result is that young Lord Silverbridge is cost 70,000 pounds in wagers, a very tidy sum of money in that time. The young noble's father is called upon to make up this sum, which is duly paid. Although everyone realizes that the race has been tampered with, nobody takes any steps about it, for want of proof.

Near the end of the novel, Major Tifto meets Lord Silverbridge. He confesses that he did, indeed, drive the nail into the horse's hoof, preventing it from running the race. He offers to go to the police, and get the principal co-conspirator arrested, even if it means that Major Tifto himself must go to jail.

The plot turn here is interesting. It is not altogether surprising that the defrauded noble does not wish the public stir of a reawakening of the matter of the race.
What surprises instead is that Lord Silverbridge not only tells Major Tifto he forgives him--he also places Major Tifto on a small pension for the rest of the major's life.

In the novel, Trollope uses the incident to make some points about maturation and, less directly, class distinction (the noble in essence feels that he is in part to blame, by associating with Tifto in the first instance and bringing him into the club). But the incident struck me because it got me thinking of the simple notion of forgiving someone who has behaved entirely in the wrong.

Almost all of us forgive people every day, I suppose. People make mistakes, or do things which offend us in a minor way, and we overcome our offense and forgive them.

But as to large matters, I wonder how much forgiveness I really employ in my everyday life. I've been fortunate, I suppose, because I have rarely been mistreated in such a way that a lot of forgiveness from me is required. Still, I can think of a few instances in which what I perceived to be a "wrong" was done to me, and I have had a hard time either forgiving or forgetting the wrong. Old romances, of course, are fertile ground for this, and I can think of one past situation in which I was treated badly that I have quite a hard time fully forgiving the wrong done. Chance instances of mean behavior are also difficult, as I can recall one silly incident years ago in which someone as a supposed act of "conceptual performance art" said something damaging (and false) about me to a third party, to see what reaction it would elicit. The perpetrator "set things right" on the facts, but nonetheless left in me a little mustard seed of fury that has not abated to this day.

I am attracted by the Christian concept that one should forgive anyone who persecutes one, even if that person has not repented or otherwise become "deserving" of forgiveness.
I know that another school of thought plausibly argues that one should only forgive those who are sorry or willing to change, but I just don't see myself as being a very good judge of who is "deserving" of forgiveness. Instead, I see forgiveness as a sort of balm, as carrying anger around for years seems corrosive inside me and in my dealing with others.

During 2002, I realized that I was still carrying some anger around about an incident which took place when a relationship fell apart in 1982. Twenty years seems to me a very long time to nurse a grudge over a matter of what was so profound then, but now seems to me to involve more than a bit of youthful silliness all around.

It's a funny thing, though, this attachment to an old wound. Surely I could have learned the lesson(s) that episode taught me without the need to still carry it around quite so long. Maybe holding on to such things is part of trying to define oneself. But surely I am better defined than as someone whose "heart was broken" at 23? Similarly, the unjust boss some 15 years ago, for whom I have not worked since 1987--surely he is no longer worth being angry about. I dislike having these little grains of unforgiveness swimming around in my particular gumbo.

I will continue to regard forgiveness as a virtue, but a virtue as to which I must work to improve. Although one feels what one feels, life is too short to carry old wrongs around forever--it's a bit like literally having stickers under one's saddle as one rides. I have not ridden a horse in two decades, but I remember what sitting on a sticker is like, and I think I'd rather move on without them.

Comments

[cathla143.livejournal.com]

Good post...

Sometimes it's hard to "forgive and forget" when one has been wronged, but I agree that forgiveness can be balm. I've long since forgiven (or mostly forgotten) my poor treatment by the director of a public library where I had been employed. She's a good source of a laugh as I relate stories from my tenure there, and I realize that her poor recommendation of me didn't hamper my hiring at the public library here.

I think it's much harder to forgive where love is involved. The deeper the emotional attachment, the more intense the hurt... although I think forgiveness *can* be achieved if one works at it.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Isn't it funny how often humor replaces anger in these work situations? During the time when one is in the situation, it is a caustic, belittling humor for me. But after the fact, I tend to feel a sort of generous, but "oh my goodness" sort of humor.

Relationships are different, but it's really too bad that they have to be different. Forgiveness is a funny thing if it can only happen when it's "easy".

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

This entry really resonates with me! I completely relate, and feel exactly the same as you on this issue. Damn, how I wish I could forgive and LET GO. I think the letting go is the REAL issue. But I suppose one can't let go without forgiving first? is it possible to just let go of something without having to forgive it? Somehow I get forgiveness mixed up with saying it's *OKAY*-- with altering my view of right and wrong, when somethings are just clearly WRONG. For instance treatment of another person in a manner no one would like to be treated themselves. Do I cling too hard and fast to the golden rule? surely I'm guilty of wrongs too! Then you get into *degree of wrongs*-- and hell, it all gets so confusing. I DO want to work toward letting things go-- because long held angers over things long past just don't do you any good. The anger is corrosive--and I don't want to become the anger. It takes too much effort. All these points, I can make, and understand, and support-- but when it comes right down to it-- HOW do you just let things go? How is it done? this is my question. I want to know.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think a real problem with forgiveness is to recognize that there are some things that are not "okay", and yet to overlook them anyway. Sometimes people don't misunderstand each other, but actually understand each other very well. It's in this latter situation, when one truly understands one has been wronged, but
needs to forgive it anyway, that's tough.

I think it's very important that one not surrender one's values in the interest of forgiveness. At the same time, I have to work ensure that I don't feel an act of forgiveness is an act of surrender--particularly not when to forgive requires so much strength.

[amatrixangel.livejournal.com]

There is only person you need to forgive. That is yourself. Totally. Unconditionally. Once one can do that, then all others are forgiven. The most wonderful thing which happens after that, is then you can see the gift each of them has given you, and the love.

This is something which goes back a long, long time ~pre Christian. Christ himself had come to realise this and passed it onto others. As all have.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Yes, I had intended to quote other traditions as well, as forgiveness is not an exclusively Christian concept.

I think that forgiving oneself is very important. I like the concept of grace, the idea that something can "get one past" one's own shortcomings, as one way of visualizing this.

[mouchette.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure forgiveness is the issue. Or not totally. The things one can't forgive are the things that matter to one beyond what they are. If that makes sense. I mean, it's easier to forgive someone for doing a major thing than it is to forgive a tiny thing. For instance, I react very badly to being made to feel 'incompetent' in some way and remember minute little details related to that. While on the other hand I'd forgive a friend who stole money from me or something more inherently 'criminal.' Thus the incident that niggles at you is, I'm sure, unforgiveable not because of what it is but because of what it signifies.

Or maybe not.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I agree that the minor things can be very difficult to forgive. It is in the details that we define so much of what we want from people--and it is so stark when we find that "my goodness, this is so SMALL, and yet it matters to me SO MUCH". Still, I think this the most what we should forgive, and yet it is so difficult.