privacy

[gurdonark]

We who journal often face the question "how much of our privacy should we maintain in this very open forum?". Some of us answer this question in part through liberal or total use of the "friends only" function. Some of us edit liberally as to details of our personal lives. In my own case, for example, I name my wife only as "my wife", say less about her than I would among off-line friends, and never talk about her career or my own clients' situations. When I first set up this weblog, I told her my thinking, to which she replied with a vigorous "good!". I also made a resolution when I set up this journal that I would try to post "all public" as often as possible (thus far, I have no 'friends only' posts and one private post, when I could not get an icon to upload correctly, but have not gone back and deleted it). I felt that my journal should be a form of musical comedy, in which I choreographed slices of my life and my thinking, without giving the illusion that the reader is "getting" all the aspects of my life. I've been intrigued from time to time at a slice or two I am willing to show, as I've learned that even things that deeply embarrass me really don't matter enough to worry about sometimes. Overall, I maintain my privacy on a number of things, all of which arguably add an artificial quality to the journal.
It's curious--I don't mind that people know that I am overweight, disorganized, and fairly eccentric. Negative traits are really so commonplace that they don't matter, really. But although my journal is pretty much "me", I wonder if it isn't a more vivid me. I think sometimes my journal is a much more interesting person than I personally am, though, and that suggests to me that subconsciously I keep from this journal just how boring I am.
Let me remedy that--I am quite boring in real life to most people, except for a limited subset of people who "get" me.

Every journal is an elaborate fiction in some ways. I know that some people say, correctly, that "every word in my journal is true" and "every word in my journal is me". I can say the same myself, and I can even go further--"those who know me in real life find me just the same in my journal as I am in real life". But the fiction comes in the omissions, not in commissions of dishonesty.

I see this in other journals. Some folks share things about their intimate lives with their lovers, about their tattered relationships with their families or children, or about their own health information. These things raise for the reader the "inference" that the reader is really getting an intensely open look into the person's life. But my own view is that in these very same journals I am often struck by what is not disclosed, the facts hidden in the shadows of the journals. In some ways, these journalists realize what I realize about, say, being overweight--all life's 'soap operas' are so commonplace they can be told. One has a functional relationship with one relative; one has a dysfunctional relationship with another. One is part of x percentage that experiences sex this way; one is part of y percentage that experience sex that way. One can journal everything. Miss Marple solved the mystery, but all the suspects had already fallen asleep.

This is not to say that my own journal will become a discussion of my various intimate foibles in my single days, or of the personal details of my marriage. My journal will evolve over time, but I can never see even friends list entries saying many "private" things about me. I can think of one thing right now that occupies a large part of my thoughts, involving a sibling, but will likely never be in my journal, or in my journal only in hindsight.

Aside from such personal details, I'm sure my journal's many small and non-private omissions tells the reader as much about me as do the things I write here. Of course, it's not only a journal kind of thing. In my real life, I am an attorney, who keeps secrets as a professional duty, even when they are really fascinating. Fortunately, it's not that hard, because most secrets, even of the most intimate or "deep dark" nature, are quite banal. But in real life or in my journal, what I show to the world tells something about me, just as the way I dress does.

Privacy is such a big issue now, as technology has essentially made it feasible to eliminate privacy altogether. In some matters, I have some sympathy with the Swedish, who for some years felt that the way to ensure taxes are handled fairly is to make publicly available everyone's income. But on other issues, and in particular when people act in a way "outside the mainstream", the death of privacy can be important. I believe that in the main, though, the sense of privacy will be replaced by a sense of anonymity. We are all so prone to oddities, that in the long run nobody will much care who we are. But it's a real issue in light of shortcomings (and, in the case of the Patriot Act eviscerations) in the law's protection.

Yet in this weblog world, we cut against the grain. We invite people into our reality, to learn what we wish to share. I think this is so appealing because of another problem we have today--we are all separated by seemingly vast differences. People are not so interconnected as they once were. We sit at our radio telescopes, galaxies away from those who really "get" us.

This holiday season I've felt particularly blessed by all the interconnections that livejournal, nervousness, nanowrimo, and a handful of other internet places I visited created for me in a single year. I have friends all over the world I would not have, but for the 'net.

But for all the wonder of "knowing" people through their weblogs, one is perpetually conscious of the things one does not learn. When I read a "puzzle mystery" writer, such as Christie or the wonderful Dorothy Sayers (note to self: post another post about how cool the Sayers character Harriet Vane was), I can usually "solve" the mystery from the clues in pretty short order. It's not a conscious process--it's just that when one has read dozens, one gets a facilty for the process. Modern mystery novels have even generated "anti-puzzle" mysteries, which are entirely based not on cleverly setting the puzzle, but on creating a false puzzle which is then thwarted when the wrongdoer is somebody not pointed out by the clues. I have spoken before about the "missing fact", which is what I call details about lives I can surmise from what is not in journals. But the sensation of "things not learned" goes beyond merely "missing facts". I think of some of my LJ friends whom I would like to meet in real life, and yet I know that any such meeting would be so odd. It's funny, because I have met in real life a limited number of times folks I met through the internet. All but one time, it was essentially a good thing to meet in real life, and in that one time, it was not really a bad thing. But the "privacy" thing seems as though it might intervene--I know so much about you, I know nothing about you at all.

But suddenly, I am less worried about this. I think back on what works about meeting people one knows through the internet in real life. I think that the answer is in common interests and just relaxing in being kindred spirits. I think that when it works, it's about not worrying about "will we have a deep connection?" and just enjoying the shared exchange of ideas. I think that people, including myself, put way too much judgment into relationships ("does he like me?", "am I as boring as I feel?"). It's so much easier, as with a weblog, to comment about what makes sense to say, and worry much less about all these sorts of things.
It's funny how it's my perception that with some LJ folks it would be much easier than with others. For instance, asphalteden and I, who knew each other slightly from hypnos.com forum prior to LJ but have never met, would almost certainly instantly feel at home with one another. It's curious I feel that way, but I do. I wonder why that is?

So it's odd, really, all these new territories which the new technology of weblogs involves. We used to hear the word "netiquette" a lot, in the earlier days of the internet. But now there are so many different 'netiquettes' in different on line contexts that the word has almost lost its meaning. In Livejournal, each person defines 'this is secret', 'this is friends only', 'this I'm dying to share'. I love that some people realize that too many things have for reasons of sexism or needless sense of material things been unshared too long, and remedy that in their journals. But we all deal with privacy every week in our journals, and although we are pioneers, I am still waiting to see what things will be like when the wagon train ends in California.

The internet, including weblogs, will be a less wild, less woolly place some day. Will it be more private? Will it be less?

Comments

[gregwest98.livejournal.com]

Like you I keep secrets. In my case, I keep government secrets since I have one of those clearances. And as you have said before, those secrets are really not that interesting. Secrets are often terribly boring.

secret agent man

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I imagine most rocket science type government secrets to be boring in the main with the sometime sort of gestalt-y sensation--wow, put this all together and it really amounts to something!

But in the main, boring in the extreme.

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

I don't think using "friends only" is a negative thing for me. As you know from reading my journal I use it quite a lot. There are three reasons I use it as much as I do. First, I sometimes say something about my job that I would prefer that people there not read, even if is not something negative or critical. I like to keep my privacy at work, and I know if some people from work stumbled upon my LJ they would think they had obtained some kind of advantage, some doorway into the wall that has been my silence about my personal life. I used to be fairly open about my personal life at work, thinking I had nothing to hide. I have found that that attitude has cost me more than once when people are looking to gossip, sustain a weak argument or build a rationale. Maybe you work with kinder, gentler people than I do, but I suspect people are pretty similar in this regard in any professional arena.

Secondly, using the "friends only" option creates for me a sense of intimacy. These are the people I am willing to share this with, the people I trust- even though I have never met some of them in person.

Thirdly, once something is posted on the Internet, it has a life of its own. A public post can be read by anyone, anytime, over who knows how many years? Despite the fact that I post to LJ, I really am very big on privacy. I don't particularly like the idea of random bits of data about me, some of which I have generated myself, floating around the Internet like that.

I will also admit to some self-censorship with LJ. Members of my family read it, so nothing can be posted that I am not willing to have my entire family read. So let's say I am not happy momentarily with a family member who lives in proximity, I won't post about it on LJ to protect their privacy, to protect mine, and because some irritations are often so fleeting they do not bear mentioning.

the things we post

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I believe that you've succintly stated a lot of things with which I totally agree. I would use friends only if my content required me to do so. I would use private posting if I wanted to capture a moment in amber but not show it to anyone. I would never put, say, a disagreement with my wife, or the details of a family member's illness (and, sadly, I've had two in my close but not immediate family face challenges lately) into my journal, unless I put it in friends mode, and perhaps in a filtered friends mode.
In the meantime, though, I've not had that "really bad LJ experience" which sends so many people friends-only. I like to think that this is because the ruminative, wordy, slightly boring content works as insect repellent to the archetypal internet troll.

[platofish.livejournal.com]

Overweight, disorganised and eccentric? Add in balding, and I'm with ya all the way!

As for this journal.....I guess I've not worked out if its supposed to be for me, or for other people. If it's for me, and me alone, then I may as well make it totally private (and not on the net!). If its for other people, I should consciously write to entertain, or inform. I feel I end up with neither. Just a series of trite posts. I guess, in a way, I'm more into reading other people's posts, so at some level, I post out of obligation - you showed me yours, I'll show you mine!

The question is apposite. I've been thinking, what changes I'll make in year II of platofish.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I must admit I am selfish enough to realize that my LJ is largely for me. But part of "me" is trotting out ideas in public, and hence I am selfish enough to seek commentary. It's interesting, these journal posts--one develops some sense over time of what will draw comments and what won't. I strongly believe in the "reach out" function of LJ, though, the giving back. I used to try to give out twice as many comments as my journal received. I have fallen behind on this, which tells me I need to write fewer entries and be more outgoing.

[platofish.livejournal.com]

...I guess there is some interesting group psychology/Dynamics. Very interesting. In fact I'm sure there are many graduate students over the nation busily documenting it for their thesis!

Most of what I write is of no consequence to me, or anyone else - a picture of last weeks rain for example. I doubt if I will look back in a year an think 'oh yeah' and nod my head sagely. Other posts that appear equally banal have actually a lot of underlying meaning. Wanting a pen for Xmas, is pretty symbolic of where my life is at the moment, More than a long description would convey. So, a year from now, if things have changed, thats a post that will have me thinking.

[uscwriter.livejournal.com]

I think about privacy every time I want to mention something about my husband or my daughter. That's pretty much all I identify them as- same as when I wrote a column. Mostly, I said "dear husband"- I can use that in a way that makes the reader think a certain way.

Though I am an internet junkie- I am cautious about giving out too many details like names or places.

I see my livejournal as a vent for the weekly columns that I used to write, a place to muse the things in life that make it interesting. My column was called "Take a Load Off"- kindas like sitting on the front porch and gossiping or hashing out topics of the day. I guess some see it as boring- but that's what I woudl be doing if youwere at my house, sitting on the front porch, talking, drinking sweet tea and watching the world go by.

My handwritten journals are private. I do write intimate details in those. I'm not really sure I want those read after I am gone, thouhg I don't want them destroyed. Maybe I would feel better if they were read by people other than my family.

a divide?

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I believe that a gender divide applies, and perhaps should apply, to these internet privacy issues. It is my perception that most folks who cause RL problems for online people are men, and in particular men who "stalk". I may be wrong in this,but that it my perception. Given that this is true, I believe that women in general should be more wary about internet presence than men.
I suppose I should not have such a low impression of men, being one, but it is my sense that women face more issues on this score than do men. I make essentially zero effort to hide who I am, but that is because I simply don't think anyone is going to be "sent off the deep end" by the need to invade my space. My space is, after all, pretty mundane space. I have had to deal with internet trolls in non-LJ settings, though, and they are very upsetting!

[the-outsider.livejournal.com]

I often wonder how much I should share and how much should be kept private. I've only had a few "friend's only" entries.

In the 13 months of having my LJ:
1) I left out a MAJOR event that happened because it was too private to share with anyone.
2) I had a minor confrontation with a "co-worker/then-BF of an LJ friend" over something I wrote about him in my LJ, even though I didn't use his last name.
3) Didn't mention anything at all about a short-term relationship with one of my LJ friends.
4) Mentioned having a huge crush on a certain girl, but left out her name because two of my LJ friends know her.

It's hard sometimes to decide what to say and what not to say. I know what I've left out...sometimes I wonder what other people leave out.

Also, I've noticed that some people's LJ's are either not like what they are like in person, or come from a weird, delusional point of view. For example, I met one of my LJ friends recently who seemed really nice in her LJ and on IM. In reality, she was extremely unfriendly and rude. Another of my LJ friends is completely delusional; her LJ is completely "everyone treats me bad, what have I done to deserve this," when in reality, she is the one who alienates everyone who tries to be nice to her.

I've kinda decided that it's impossible to get to know anyone through their LJ, because an LJ is only as honest as the person is willing to be. And it also has a lot to do with the person's own self-perception, which in the cases of many people, might not be that accurate.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

My LJ has omitted at least two major events for members of my (non-immediate) family, while my wife gets much less mention than she would if I were at a coffee house with a friends list person (indeed, my wife would be along, and is a much more sparkling conversationalist than I am). Some of our friends, though, friends we first acquired through my wife, who read my journal. It would be odd to say anything about my wife's life for that reason, but it makes my own journal quite edited as againt my real life. One of my LJ friends and his wife are "real life" friends as well. My friend's wife actually got a bit irritated in the early days of my journal, because she felt I did not feature enough posts about my wife. So it can be caught "coming and going" on this how much to tell.

You make some really interesting points. I think you've put your finger on a lot of the issues. I really liked the point about how sometimes a journal narrator feels "wronged", but in real life the slights may be perfectly understandable. Sometimes I read a journal and can see that the "wronged" person is more like GW Bush's proverbial "evil-doer" (I am glad my accent is not the same as his). A greater puzzle for me is the person who on paper is just so fascinating, and yet that person's journal is a record of nothing but loneliness. I am nothing like so fascinating or so social, but I have not experienced that much loneliness in my life.
So I wonder about that journal--what is the missing fact? I think I guess it, but the journal is only a novel---who knows what is the real story?

[texastornado-91.livejournal.com]

I've been doing more and more friends-only posts simply because of some bad experiences I've had with people on LJ. But the really private, personal stuff never gets written. It gets tucked away.

[amatrixangel.livejournal.com]

I've been doing more and more friends-only posts simply because of some bad experiences I've had with people on LJ

Yep, I was just going to make that same comment but you beat me to it ;)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think, somehow, it's important to think that really private personal stuff, as one must consciously examine one's life, but I think it's not at all necessary or particularly desirable to write it in public. I know of exceptions, like people who want to break some of the "codes of silence" that surround certain roles in society today, but in general, I think it's good to keep the true pain and real rapture secret.

You follow a much more traditional religious path than I do. I am curious--would you ever use a journal as an evangelical device?

Re:

[texastornado-91.livejournal.com]

I guess I do in a way, even if it's not conscious. I write a lot about church - my involvement there, about 40 Fathoms, about the experiences I have, about something profound Keith taught in Sunday School, about questions and stuff. I think it's such a part of my life that to have a journal without ever mentioning my faith would be incomplete. Good question.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I was raised Methodist, and now attend (too sporadically, of late) a Unitarian Universalist church (www.uua.org, to better answer your earlier question what we believe). Faith has always been a very important thing to me, as well, and yet I wonder how much religion has been part of my journal. I have written of "cheap grace" and of many theological concepts, but personal faith? Much more difficult to write about than sex (and sex has never graced my journal). Three people who responded to my poll asked for a post about faith (more particularly, I got one 'personal philosophy', one 'Jesus' and one 'your religion' request), so I guess I am going to tackle the 'what I believe' post soon. This is very difficult territory in some ways, though, as my own views are neither the traditional mainstream ones of people of faith or the traditional mainstream ones of people with no faith. Well, I'll give it a try!

I think faith is a big part of your life, but I also notice that your journal is "I went to 40 fathoms" than "I had the experience of God". I'm not criticizing--it's just interesting. I hate, otoh, those stagey things I read in which people stand on the street corner and cry "Lord, Lord" in journal entries that sound like greeting cards. Pray in closets, I only say.

Interesting topic. It's funny how it's almost easier to write about one's most embarrassing sin than about what one believes.

Re:

[texastornado-91.livejournal.com]

I haven't written much lately, but I do have questions that come up from time to time and things that really touch my heart. More often then not, though, a lot of what my faith is, isn't always easy to put into words. For instance, I'm still having a lot of questions concerning things my Dad is studying, things that I'm curious to know more about. Lately, I haven't been putting my thoughts on the line as I would have a year ago.

But yeah, I agree in a way...it's so easy to say you went somewhere and were moved, but can you feel equally moved by watching a snowfall or seeing the simplicity in people feeding the ducks? It's times like that when I feel closest to my faith - when I see God's creation around me; when I feel He's teaching me the little things...

[texastornado-91.livejournal.com]

Whoops, I misread this. Yep, I have kept my more deep-seated spiritual feelings inside than posted them...

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

It's an interesting issue--what to post, what is private, should anything spiritual be private? is anything spiritual lessened in public?

[nancyjane.livejournal.com]

:) i'm interested to know people's faith... not so much their religion but if it is in separable from that then i guess that's what i mean too. someone could tell me all about their beliefs though without clarifying that they were protestant, catholic, so on, although it might have a feel to it.

as for difficulty, i don't find it hard to write about my faith, in that it is a private thing. i don't believe in pontificating, though, of course. lol. but also i believe that my faith is not the only valid one, and i would not want someone to think that i was trying to convince them of my beliefs. even harder to combat, i think, might be the fight on the front line being drawn between commentary and dissection. i'm always interested in connections, and new ways of thinking about what it is i do believe, however i'm not up for building a dogma around my beliefs. ok see i'm getting wordy.

lol

also i guess my journal reflects, my conscious thoughts, and my belief system is a little less than conscious. when something pops up and makes me evaluate my beliefs, sometimes i do address that, but mostly i try to soak that stuff up subconsciously. i guess you could say that a core part of my belief system is the belief in the superiority of my subconsciousness, over my rational mind, regarding beliefs and values, and i try to "groom" my subconscious accordingly. of course i don't think i could cook subconsciously, i've tried it, and burned many a good pot or pan :)

So it helps to have a specific audience, i guess is what i'm saying in a round about way. Helps to know a better way to say something depending on the audience, and it's good to have an audience as an excuse to think rationally about something that's otherwise, in my book, not something thought about on that level. so, Robert, if you are ever interested in a friendly exchange on this topic, let me know -- we can email it. privacy notwithstanding i think that is a better medium for me on this subject :) no rush, and no hard feelings if you're busy or uninterested -- think of it as a standing invitation.

all salaryman ever writes about

[salaryman.livejournal.com]

...intimate lives ... relationships with their families ... or about their own health information.

ellipsis added because his relationships are not "tattered"; they're very good. they're just complicated.

salaryman strives for truth & directness of expression. the intimate details he puts down here, are often articulated for the first time on the pages of LJ.

he's trying to capture in words things that roil in his soul.

the journal is mostly for his own use; but the knowledge that twenty or thirty articulate & sensitive readers might look at the words keeps it honest.

the "friends only" is used liberally because of an early bad experience at LJ and to protect the privacy of his wife & family.

he's not trying to put one over on anyone.

LJ may have saved his life.

s.

Re: all salaryman ever writes about

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I would never suspect you of putting anything over one anyone. You do, though, show that paradoze between LJ as writing exercise and LJ as catharitic self-journaling. I believe that this is the knife blade upon which your journal is balanced, and you largely navigate it well. But sometimes, I humbly suggest, the question in your journal becomes "am I telling about my life, or am I writing a passage of literature about my life". In the latter, one feels the need to plot a bit. I like both ways of writing, though.

I strongly believe in every privacy that anyone wishes to have. My own internet presence has not been particularly private,but if I wished to cover, say, some of the topics of your journal, I'd have to be very screened and have to create an LJ just as you have, which is very private. In fact, though, I would not journal things about my most personal matters. It's not that there is a "right" or a "wrong" on this--it's a "right for me" thing.

Re: all salaryman ever writes about

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

so many typos! I must be tired. Paradoze instead of paradox is a very good one,though! I feel sometimes like my whole LJ is one long "paradoze".

[nancyjane.livejournal.com]

:) of course, i dont think we ever get to know people anyway. i dont mean that in the pessimistic way that may sound. ok i will refrain from going off about consciousness etc. lol because mostly i'd probably just confuse myself.

i do enjoy the company of others, mostly in cyberspace. i'm not that close with people in real space or whatever you want to call it... so luckily i dont have to worry about much clashing.

i dont keep details or disclose details according to any specific plan, although i do observe a small netiquette of my own regarding comments made about other LJ users and their posts. it is a mirror, i think, of how i like to treat people in "real-life" anyway. so yeah i'm not my true true self in that i'm a little hyper-conscious of how i treat people, but at the same time, i try to be that way in real life so i guess that really is me, in a way.

livejournal posting though, for me, is an exercise in honest self expression for myself. sounds weird to include the word honest but i dont think i am always honest with myself. of course, everyone suffers from that to some degree i dont really think my case is particular worse or venturing on dangerous...

but the reason i started live journal, is the following: i found a need at the time i started to journal my thoughts, keep track of them, because i feel inconsistent. also i need the practice translating my thoughts into words... i want to keep track of what i'm thinking and i want to force myself to think in words. ok maybe that seems anticlimactic but thats all it was for.

oh the reason for live journal online? rather than a private one... well, at least two reasons, one was, knowing people were reading it and letting it stand there, untouched or with only polite commentary, gives creedence to the validity of my thoughts, and their expressions. second is, why not? why not see what other people might say? might be interesting. that's more what i'm operating under now, but i fluctuate between the two.

in the end i dont so much want to know more about other people, as i'm on the constant quest to know more about myself. meeting people along the way, sharing with them, can be wonderful but i'm not expecting it, and i don't expect them to necessarily get to know me either.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

This was a very thoughtful reply, with many ideas. I think that the honesty to admit the selfish motives for LJ is very good. I find my own LJ enjoyment is very selfish in many ways. I try to give more than I receive from LJ, but I have to admit that I love the comments and the chance to trade ideas.

I don't feel that I "know" you through your LJ, and yet I feel that I can easily talk to you. That's a nice feeling, and such an on line kind of thing :).

phew !

[nancyjane.livejournal.com]

good you seem to have taken my response well. :) i'm so relieved !

you know after i wrote this later i was thinking about it and curious if i came off as a megalomaniac... or something like that !

i'm not against making friends, btw, and it's nice to know you feel you can talk to me, i feel that way about you too, Robert :) .

[circebleu.livejournal.com]

Fascinating topic! ;-) Thank you.

many thanks

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

This is indeed the first topic written based on my on line poll.
I kept the answers private in some measure so that I could write posts about as many of the topics as I could without "keeping score" on which I did and did not journal. Thanks for suggesting this one. When I first read it, I was tempted to write about the evolution of privacy law, but I thought that LJ privacy would be much easier :).

[nacowafer.livejournal.com]

I always enjoy reading and replying to your posts in the early mornings, when it's quiet and just getting light, with a nice cuppa joe and the occasional cat to keep me company. It's a good way to start the day. If I were a writer, this would be my time. When it's quiet like this...but it's quiet with this great sense of potential, like there's all this promise just bursting to break free. When people are sleeping but about to wake up. The animals know. All those ideas...just floating around as we dream.

Anyway, I find this a very intriguing topic. It touches on all these issues...Why are we here? What are we trying to accomplish? Are we liars, fakes, cheats? Everyone seems to have a slightly different answer.

If you asked me before I started this journal, whether or not I thought I would ever have a primarily public on-line diary, I would have scoffed! Um, no. It's anathema to my very private nature. And my paranoia. I don't trust anyone.

In fact, my first lj journal was a fake. It wasn't a journal at all, rather a creative writing project that didn't really have anything to do with me (or did it?). I got hooked on lj because a real-world dear friend had one, and as we had recently been separated by more miles than we were used to, I leapt at the chance to see what she was up to on a day-to-day basis. And then, of course, the voyeurism of reading other people's journals. I'm a terrible voyeur...I think Hitchcock might have liked me. (Not that I'm any Grace Kelly...more like Tippi Hedron...) So my initial encounters with lj really didn't have anything to do with me (or did they?)...

But I found with my fake journal I enjoyed receiving feedback both from my real-world friends and from total strangers. It felt like being a writer. A published writer. With an audience. It's alluring when people you don't know, who don't know what you look like, who know you only through your words, find you interesting in some way. Interesting enough to reach out and "comment." To break the silence. They are interested in your ideas (or are they?).

So it was addictive...and I started a "real" journal. Only, it was kind of a fake, too...Not yet ready to bear it all, I created a specific identity for myself, tied to my job. It was a journal about my job, not about me (or was it?). And then I "met" all these cool people and started reading their journals, and felt like I could connect better through words alone than I ever could in the real-world with all its trappings of physicality (revealing something about myself here, no?). And my journal became a little more about me and my thoughts and notions and schemes (or did it?).

Only, I still feel like a fake. I mean, I'm honest as much as I can be in my journal, but always with the knowledge of an audience other than myself. So it's censored (or is it?). I'm not sure "censored" is right...There are some things I just don't deal with anywhere, on any plane. I'm not ready.

All that said, I still worry about being gullible, and being taken with fakers and cheats (like they're taken by me?). I've even worried about you, on occasion. You're sort of too kind and thoughtful to exist for real, aren't you? What if I'm duped into feeling "understood?" I suppose it doesn't really matter...If I never know the truth (or does it?).

I've also found that knowing other people are reading encourages me to write. I've never had any success at keeping a paper journal, so having an audience (of fakers?) has gotten me in the habit of at least writing more regularly than I ever have. Not that any of it's good...but at least it's something (or is it?).

I know several lj people in real life--they are friends, even. I wonder how they perceive my journal...is it the same me? Are they ever surprised by what they read? Do they think I'm a fake?

So, there. I'm a faker (or am I?)

third try

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I did it twice. I wrote a 7300 letter reply, which LJ kicked as too long, and then lost it when I tried to scroll back to it. Then I wrote another, much shorter, but LJ kicked it as slightly too long. I still had not learned my lesson, so it was not saved into my system, and it, too, was lost. So here's the really succinct reply: I really love pre dawn reading and writing,too. We are all surfaces on line and off which do not really show our "selves" to the world. My feet are clay as much as anyone's. I'm not sure your feet are any more clay than anyone's. Your self-denigration and trust issues have always spoken to me of a "missing fact" (not to mention the physicality word), but I've always seen that as something you may wish to tell your "other journal" or your friends by telephone, or a shrink, so I just allow the sense of the missing fact to repose in the overall enjoyment of your journal. You and I could tell one another all our individual secrets, and I'm sure we would say at the end "oh, now I get that",but probably also say "I knew the essence of what I needed to know without knowing that". I do worry about causing discomfort if I do anything mildly kind, and gender must play into that someplace, but my concern is entirely about causing an effect, and not about my own motives. But it is a curious thing--none of us are as kind as our kindest moments. None of us are as awful as our most awful moments. It is probably indicative of something very human that with our spouses and families we all have both our kindest and most awful moments. But that's a human thing, not an idiosyncracy of any one person.

It is odd, though, to have this sense that I wish to be helpful from time to time, but this dread of being misperceived. I still deal with this issue, in various contexts. It's odd, helping people. I wish I did more of it. When I do it, I always feel that I get it wrong, somehow :). Maybe it's better to just take cans to the food bank or something.

Your journal is not fake. Your journal is very much more open and honest than most I read. You are only a fake in the same way all people are fakes. You should cherish your privacy on things you wish to keep private. They do not detract from your journal; I could argue the mystery might even enhance it.

But I do wish you valued your writing more. Instead of all those grandiose dreams, I wish you just treated your writing as an important task. You always want to skip to the goal, instead of just valuing your efforts. You are so damn hard on yourself.

But it's odd--polar opposites though we are, I think I do understand some things about you, a bit. Am I deluded? Who knows?

So odd writing this 3 times! :). It changed slightly each time. I hope the third time doesn't seem impolite or anything, but I am ready to hit post comment anyway :).

[serendipoz.livejournal.com]

I enjoy your short essays on subjects that you've (obviously) been thinking about. This one, on the relationship of privacy to personal reality has many facets - especially as the commentators say something on their 'take' on it.

I came to lj because a close friend started writing about the breakup of his marriage here. Other friends had been using it to various purposes - writing daily short notes, or linking to photos, but because I wanted to stay in touch with my friend in his troubles, I had to join - and pay up!

But I have also been involved in science fiction fandom which has a tradition of personal writing - not in journals but in mimeod and dittoed fanzines (since the late 1920s.) These fanzines have moved from being very specific about SF tropes to being written about the individual. They (still) range from fanzines specifically about a book (or a writer) to fanzines that are very personal.

I have collected many fanzines - not *all*, they are so transitory that I think that is an impossible task. And thus I recognize that writing about (a child out of wedlock born during his life in Vietnam) will come back to haunt him when he's married and has three children in big city US. Words - whether in print, or electronic - have a long life.

And they can be interpreted (wrongly or rightly) to the detriment of personal desire (as witness Trent Lott most recently.)

I wrote a series of 'ezines' (basically essays) a few years ago, and discovered my brother was livid with me over a short bit. But miscommunication or misunderstanding cannot be prevented either.

It is all a balancing act. If I write my journal (and comments) for myself and take responsibility for my purposeless (and purposeful) words, I find myself talking with others whose points are lights to different rooms.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting, and for the kind words. I'm reminded of my old friend whose sister finally finished her novel. The novel was a thinly disguised family portrait, where all the family members other than said sister came off rather the worse for wear. The sister, of course, insisted it was all art,and hence none of it was "true".

I talk to people in LJ who have the same problem you describe. It's hard to know where, or if, to draw the lines on personal narratives.

Re:

[serendipoz.livejournal.com]

I think it is also a point from outside. If you read what someone has written in a self-directed manner you find yourself a lot easier to be insulted than if you read what they write in a them-directed manner.

As for the sister, whatever world she inhabits is painful.

[laruth.livejournal.com]

A very interesting post.

I try to make my journal as much as "me" as possible. I resort to friends post (and even then, I utilise the filter function to a few select people) when I feel the need to talk/vent about people/events that strike too closely to home.

For me, keeping a journal helps me to document what I have done each day. I feel that I need to keep track of what I do, else I "lose" that day (weird isn't it?). Also, keeping a journal is therapeutic for me, in helping me to come to terms with who I am and my relationships with my parents.

I never had any privacy problems (so far) with people here on LJ.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think both "keeping track" and the therapeutic parts of a journal are very important. I also like to look back at old entries to confirm to myself that I am who I think I am :). I may use filters before I'm done, but I have not yet.