if I should wake before I die

[gurdonark]

Yesterday our trip to semi-rural north Texas got me thinking about "life as it it should be lived". So many things in our lives are beyond our control, but for many of us, a good few important things are within our control. The couple whose home we visited yesterday had elected to move to the country and build their own home. They had a two acre lot, a home whose construction they'd personally overseen, and a huge storage building the man and his brother had actually constructed in two weekends, complete with fabricated heavy metal beams and the like.

Now this kind couple did a number of things which I could not do on a substantial bet. Just listening to the fellow, a telecommunications specialist of some sort, describe how he and his brother had lifted a huge metal beam some twenty feet into the air with a crank hoist made me realize that in such practical matters, I would not only be out of my league, I would not even know how to find the ballfield. But the key point--that these folks chose a way of living that required a bit of pluck and effort, and made it happen, appealed to me.

I must admit that in matters of housing and, for matter, most things, I take the path of limited risk. I've never bought a home that required any substantial renovation, but instead bought homes which are pretty near "turn-key". I research into school districts to find which ones are optimal, because in my experience, home values and school district quality tend to go hand in hand. Given a choice between a cookie cutter home that is large enough and comfortable, and a home which is charming but does not meet our day to day needs, I will always vote for the former. Given the choice between a little more luxury and a little less price, I will always vote for the latter.

This "safe" approach carries over into a lot of choices I've made in my life. I chose law school over graduate school in English at least in part because I perceived it as a "safe" choice. I took my first position as a lawyer with a firm that offered me a fair bit of money, although I felt (correctly) that culturally it might be a bit too "corporate" for me. It was just 'safer' to have the income. Conversely, a couple of years ago, I determined to open my own firm with a friend, rather than following up on an opportunity or two which might have meant more income but more risk, I felt (correctly) that biting the bullet and building my own business would be apt to be safer than going into middle age dependent on the good will of other people upon whom I relied for business.

Lately I've observed a small spate of folks in stable relationships who opt to take on the intrigue and risk of clandestine "second relationships". I know that there must be some thrill in the secrecy and passion, but I never quite get why one can't do those in one's life the courtesy of breaking off one relationship before embarking on another, or at least straightforwardly being open about what one is doing. Any of those options, including in particular a clandestine affair, sound entirely like too much work and risk for my general "safe" philosophy. I typically tell the joke that it is hard enough to be in one relationship and all the interpersonal interplay that involves, without imagining being in two such situations at once.
I don't mean to imply judgment, though, as I know life is very complicated, and I do not understand most of it.

I'm not regretful about the "safe" choices I've made, as "safe" is better for me. I do not enjoy nail-biting departures into debt, career risk, or extra hassle. I know that this means that I won't live in a home that is featured in a magazine, won't get rich, won't be particularly recognized, and won't be on the metaphoric "cutting edge".

But small things like yesterday's "we built our dream home in the country" do get me thinking about little ways in which I can try to make my life match my aspirations. I have no desire to pull up stakes from our charming tract home in the suburbs and move to rural Texas. But wouldn't it be nice to actively focus on getting this home paid off, and then someday have a little retreat someplace in rural Texas? Rural areas here tend to be very inexpensive, and the whole thing should be economically do-able,
assuming our current crop of conservatives do not do too much further damage to our economy. Wouldn't it be great, I ask myself, to write a novel and self-publish it, just for fun? Wouldn't it be fun to do something simple and yet thus far unachievable, like go to the Canary Islands or Newfoundland or Prince Edward's Island or some other out of the way place I've daydreamed of seeing? These are all small things, easy to achieve.
Indeed, I pride myself that the advantage of my life is that I can have my safety and yet eat fun, too.

But sometimes I have a sort of paralysis about this sort of thing.
Let's take a simple symbolic example. Since August, my wife and I have agreed that we will find a weekend to go to some cool Texas place of my choosing. This is not a tall order. I just pick a place that looks cool to me, and we priceline up some rooms, hop in her little Toyota, and go. I love to read 'travel Texas' type books (our state tourism office puts out the best one for free) which list dozens and myriads of towns all over Texas that are entirely weekend worthy. October is the best tourism season in Texas, as the weather is entirely felicitous. Texas has wonderful things to do--mountains, deserts, ocean, forests music, arts, history and some of the quaintest little towns in America.
But here's my paralysis--it's hard to decide what might be fun.
I've read and researched and thought about this for months. But now that the moment is here, I feel that "safe" approach to things besetting me. I worry, if worry is the word, about whether I will pick the "right" place, and, worse, I worry about whether any place is really as much fun as a pleasant weekend in our tract home in our cookie-cutter suburb in our ordinary window of north Texas. I will never have a career as a travel writer, I know.

I love that when I wake up most mornings, I am content and at ease. I like that I can decide to do something within my reach, and make it happen. I love to move from 'there's no way to get there from here' and actually get someplace sometimes. But do I always try to get to the places I should go? Some days, just a little, I wonder where my edge has gone, and am I supposed to do something to get it back.

Comments

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

Speaking as a woman (but not your wife--so this could be wrong)-- I think the *place* doesn't matter nearly as much as what you do with her. For instance, if you stay in your hotel room and make mad passionate love to each other, and order room service for 2 days-- I doubt the weekend could be looked upon as a failure. But then, that's just me.
Even if you two ARE more of the outdoors hiking types-- as long as you take several moments during the weekend to really focus your attention on her-- I'm sure it will be very memorable and lovely.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Very good suggestions, thanks.

PS

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

Cozy little country Bed and Breakfasts I would think would be a *hit* as well.

[dabroots.livejournal.com]

I never quite get why one can't do those in one's life the courtesy of breaking off one relationship before embarking on another, or at least straightforwardly being open about what one is doing.

Yes, indeed. During the last two years I stayed together with my ex, I had a series of sex-based cyber affairs, and I got emotionally involved in one of them, and a woman in another of them got wrapped up in me, but at least it kept in the house. I sure as heck don't recommend them, at all. If anything, they reiniforced for me the feeling that I was not happy in my marriage. There was no out there waiting for me, just maybe some vague ideas of a woman who might be better. In some ways, the fact that I left without there being some concrete reason was maddening my ex. After all, when her parents broke up, it was because her dad had been screwing nurses at the medical school where he was a department chair. There were times I almost felt like I should have an affair, in order to say, "Look! There's somebody else! Let me leave!"

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Yes. I think that affairs are sometimes efforts to put some punctuation on something that does not work.

I think, too, that sometimes people want to look before they leap, which is less creditable to me somehow--that old "I'm not understood at home, but I'm not ready to leave" thing, which
seems less desirable than just recognizing that what is, is.

Re:

[dabroots.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what it might have been like for me if I'd married when I was in my twenties. As it was, after ending a two-year live-in relationship with a woman when I was 27, I quickly began an ill-advised relationship with a woman I'd flirted with for the previous couple of years.

retreats

[uscwriter.livejournal.com]

Since dear husband and I plan to buy land in the next few years and build a home, I have been checking out homebuilding books at the library for ideas and inspiration. I have found a couple on cabins and retreats- they give lots of ideas and inspiration (again) to create your personal retreat. I can't find the titles now- doesn't help you much, does it? Do a search on amazon or barnes and noble.

The land is for my husband- he likes space and he is a horse-kind of guy. Me, I like the apartments over old store buildings in small downtown areas. However, it will be nice to have the space to not worry about who is around me.

What I want to do is combine the rustic natures of cabins with the modernity of newly-built homes. Log beams, lots of windows, open areas... but it is a compilation of dream ideas- which I what I think appeals to you about having a retreat or a cabin. Don't we all want a place where we can go be someone or something else than who or what we are in everyday life?

Re: retreats

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I love those kind of "rustic place" books. I remember being in a rural northern CA town where the local bookstore had scads of them.
I guess when you live in the northern California woods, you think a lot about dream cabins.

I like that idea of rustic combined with modernity. I could go for a rustic cabin with modern conveniences--yes, I could.

[akhliber.livejournal.com]

Jenna and I just started going on "picture adventures" every saturday... we've only done this twice so far, and it's really changed our outlook on things. It has also made us feel so much better about how we're deciding to live this life.
I used to really enjoy living in the moment and floating around in whatever direction life wanted to take me in, but eventually I found myself getting more and more comfortable with a much calmer, more routine lifestyle. I really like knowing I have a job, knowing when I'm getting paid, when all the bills are due, how much we can budget for food and such.
Save for a few occasions where I was really nervous and somewhat disappointed with this change, I've generally been completely comfortable with it. The only problem is, I get TOO comfortable with it, and get so lost in the routine that I forget how important and rewarding it is to still follow your passions sometimes, to create something, to have a project, to set out to accomplish something that will take a lot of effort and that isn't a guaranteed success.
I'm going to try and start a business, and I'm both excited as hell about the idea of actualling doing something just to see if I can, and just for the fun of trying, and also a little nervous and doubtful, as I know how rarely I ever actually carry through with anything that requires any risk or confidence or great effort.

The idea of ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING sometimes ends up much more terrifying than it should be, and I'll immediately begin to find things to worry about. Picture adventures have really been an exciting thing for us, as we're motivating ourselves, we're setting out together to find some place new, getting lost in strange places and hiking around in strange towns, when we could just as easily be(and too often, we are) sitting around on the couch letting time pass.

Luckily, it seems that when you do get up and do something you've always wanted to do, it ends up being so rewarding and exciting that you're much more motivated and confident, and much more likely to do it more often.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think you've said it right--we all tend to psych ourselves out of doing the things we dream. Yet, even a "near miss" with effort is often better than just sitting around building dream castles, but never doing anything about them.

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

I love that when I wake up most mornings, I am content and at ease. I like that I can decide to do something within my reach, and make it happen.

The feeling you describe sounds wonderful. For so much of my life, I've woken up in the morning with a soaring feeling -- it's anxious, like there's something I should be doing but can't, or won't. It feels like there's a bird trapped in my heart fluttering its wings against its confines. When I was younger and got this feeling I usually had the impulse to spread my arms, lift off, and fly through the clouds. It hasn't happened yet, but one day, I hope the feeling will blossom and then leave me with many mornings of contentment and satisfaction like you describe.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I think that fluttering sounds like the sort of thing that can take wing into contentment eventually. But it sounds kind of cool to have that restlessness, somehow.