the assertiveness dilemma

[gurdonark]

During the past few weeks I seem much more able in my "real life" to express my frustration with situations. This always makes me pause to consider what I'll call the "assertiveness" dilemma. On the one hand, I have a life that is overall quite a good one. I have a great wife, good friends, peace of mind, and pleasant, if not quite luxurious, material comfort. On the other hand, my life has pressures and flaws and frustrations and shortcomings, as does anyone's. Although I do not believe I qualify as a "shrinking violet", I usually do not like personal confrontation. I take no real pride in "showing someone up", and I much prefer debate to emotional disagreement. Yet lately I'm willing to address head on things that make me unhappy, with varying results. I know that it's better to be direct than it is to be passive-aggressive. But sometimes excessive directness seems like taking a shotgun to a gnat-type problem. I'd hate to think that all my grand "causes of discontent" are merely out of proportion reactions to drawbacks in a life still much worth living. I picture some hypothetical in which I die, and go to another place. When I ask the folks there "is this Heaven?", they say "No. You were already in Heaven, and you didn't appreciate it, so we pulled you out of there".

I read all the same Reader's Digest articles that everyone else reads about the virtues of assertiveness. Certainly I agree with the idea that one need not always suffer in silence. But while I am glad that I am more direct, I am not sure I gain that much by the way I bring things to confrontation. I am by nature a tactless country boy, who has, over the years, learned how to be reasonably (and to some in my real life, maddeningly, elusively) subtle. Subtlety has its place, as a social lubricant. Yet everyone has "certain things" they need to get off their chest.
My internal calibration for when to be subtle and when to be bold is a bit out of whack. This will make me take a deep breath, try to exercise more, get more sleep and read a few "comfort food" novels. It's amazing how much more sleep, good exercise and a good,lightweight book do more good for me than years of inner questioning.

Comments

[wildgarden.livejournal.com]

Yes for me too. Trying to find a middle ground between 'Radical Honesty' and the old saying "Least said, soonest mended." I like your strategy too, well fed, well rested, and a mind relaxed by comfort reading, sounds like a good foundation for decision-making.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

It's a tough middle ground to find. I find myself working on finding it, lately.

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

I don't think of you as *subtle* here on LJ. I think of you as being politely direct. I bet you're completely different in person.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I'll have to think on that, but I think my LJ is probably more direct than I am in person.

Re:

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

That's what I supposed. You sometimes mention that you're a shy person in real life...and I just can't see that on LJ--you seem very out going, gregarious, and affable.

Assertiveness

[gregwest98.livejournal.com]

We appear to live in a world where assertiveness is perceived as necessary. For me it has always been a necessary evil. At my first job, I learned some valuable lessons that translated into "be more assertive". I don't like it because it's against my nature but I do it. If I were unconstrained by common sense and social mores, I would move to the mountains and turn a gun on anybody that approached the house. "No! I don't want any candy to help you raise money for your baseball team!" I would shout.

Speaking as one who is not naturally gifted with tact, I've always felt that you were particularly gifted with it. The business of discontent with what we have - well, I think we all struggle with that.

Re: Assertiveness

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comment. One thing this post has got me thinking on is whether I am outgoing or shy. I think of myself as shy, but perhaps I am less shy nowadays. I'm certainly not shy in that "walk into 7/11, how are you doin' way", but I'm not exactly gregarious.

I just don't know how the labels apply anymore :)

Re: Assertiveness

[lonestarslp.livejournal.com]

I once read that an introvert is energized by being alone, while an extrovert is energized by being with other people. I know by this definition I am an introvert. I find that if I have been rested, feeling ok, etc., and I still perceive a problem, then polite directness will have to do. Doesn't it also depend on the amount of time you want to spend on a relation ship? Saying "I'm not interested" and hanging up on telemarketers, for example, causes me no guilt whatsoever.

[nancyjane.livejournal.com]

just sounds like, as is everyone else, you are in the process of learning.

i'm glad to be able to always continue the process or learning, just once i'm fairly satisfied, being a C or B student in some subjects, others seem to come in focus. I never really get the opportunity to become an A student at anything, but then again, that's how i like it i suppose, as i work towards that A in each subject, it seems harder and harder to find. Maybe I'm just afraid of the final exam. lol. I dunno. But it's nice to be able to enjoy the pace that I do.

I'm also glad that my subjects, as it seems, some of your subjects are too, have changed their general emphasis from how to make a living, or clean the house, to more cerebral matters and matters of the heart. I really believe it is those subjects that so many people just desire the luxury to explore.

When learning, though, making mistakes is part of the process..

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Well put, and, yes, making mistakes are part of the learning!