love me to death

[gurdonark]

"Similar mother, similar father, similar dog, cat and fish,
We make the same wish, when the birthday candle's lit,
We'll both be older, we won't get our wish,
Yes, I think that I'm falling in love with myself again".
--Ron Mael

I read a good bit of information about self-esteem again lately. I'm always a bit confused by the context in which this term is used. On the one hand, it's easy to see that some folks devalue themselves so much that they stay in abusive situations, or take deleterious substances, or fall into patterns of self-denying or self-indulgent behavior. For those folks, some form of self-respect (or self-esteem, if one wishes to use that term) may well be missing at baseline. I also read a good bit about folks who convince themselves that they cannot achieve/break out/escape the rut or milieu in which they are stuck. Those people, too, might benefit from "self-esteem".

I read a fair number of people on the other hand, who speak of the "self esteem movement" as some ideological minefield from the left (a bit curiously, I might add, as many of the "new thought" oriented advocates of more "positive thinking" can tend to the right as well as to the left). Such attacks seem to me to be agendae in search of an issue.

In my own life, I have always had an acute awareness of my individual limitations. I have always found that being just a bit hard on myself can have salutary effects of forcing me to focus what resources I have, keeping me from arrogance, and allowing me the benefit of endless hours of introspection. The price, I suppose, is that I am rather more risk-averse than some, and I always feel a bit sheepish if I am self-laudatory. I wonder if I might be a less disorganized person if I thought a bit more of myself, but overall the arrangement works out fine.

I recognize that if we all were a bit more comfortable "in our skins" we might be able to relax a bit. I'm just not sure the meaning of life is necessarily relaxation. The notion of the "good German", who enjoyed the return to stability of the Nazi years notwithstanding its horrors, is an (admittedly extreme) illustration to me of the dangers of complete "acceptance" of one's good fortune. I really like to be content on a basic day to day level. But I do wonder if, like the Faust in Goethe's play, we should not lose our souls if we can pronounce ourselves fully contented?

I'm not knocking the self-acceptance (or "self-love") that we all need to function day to day. Heaven knows some folks don't have it, and need help to get it. I'm talking about the endless obsession those of us without real problems have with our own inner happiness. This way of putting it is unduly brusque, but I'll put it this way nonetheless: sometimes I think we should stop worrying so much about how we feel and just get on with it.

A few of us are uncertain of our goals and missions in life, and need to do some constructive self-assessment. But I think a surprising number of us see the projects before us and just need to set about doing them. Neither the voice of "I can't" nor the voice of "I am so good" is particularly relevant to achieving many of these goals. The way to achieve goals is to actually set out to do them. Every time I have left behind my inner critic or my inner "self loving" voice and just walked the wire, I've achieved the heights. Every time I have get lost on whether I can do something or how I feel about it, I never get on the trapeze.

What works for me, or what I think works for me, does not necessarily work for others. I'm sure not saying it's okay to feel miserable about oneself day in, day out. I recognize that some do feel miserable, and should (and perhaps must) seek help.
But I know in my life, the tasks are clear, the cards are revealed, and the question is not how I feel about the game, but do I wish
to be dealt into the next hand?

Comments

[kenmora.livejournal.com]

I remember kicking back at a graveyard job I had. Feet on the desk, arms behind head, deep self-satisfied inhale. "Life just doesn't get any better than this." As soon as that bright puffy cloud of a thought crossed my mind it cast a shadow over my self-respect. Yes, I had broken away from my Mom's house, got a job, paid rent, had my own car, even paid insurance on it. But that was no end point.

It was then, temporarily clear of all physical concerns, that I bumped up against The Basic Discontent of Life. Where was I? Who was I? Is this the first page of the last long and boring chapter of my life at the age of 25?

No, the BDL, in its rare naked apparition whispered to me: "This is just a way-station friend, and the next train is coming."

Since then the BDL has made sure it never showed itself to me directly again, but always as a shadow-puppet, or speaking through one of the many committee members in my head, or occasionally recruiting someone outside of me to carry its message.

But the BDL also has a life-mate, hope, and one of it's messangers recently told me that my frenetic activities were like a mosaic, and that it was all part of the same puzzle. One that I'm construcing on-the-fly.

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

I think that's a bit simplistic view given the nature of *perception*. You say:
I'm talking about the endless obsession those of us without real problems have with our own inner happiness.
And that assumes that your outside perception of a person is *correct*--that they *should* be able to live up to your perception. Whereas, you don't REALLY know what their lives have held, or hold as far as REAL PROBLEMS. Cancer is a well accepted *real problem*... while suffering from low self-esteem, which the large majority stems from early childhood abuse, or constant abuse from society, is deemed self-indulgent to the average person who's never encountered those problems. There's a worthy saying in many support groups :Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.. which works both ways-- for the person who's insides are in pain, comparing themselves to someone who for all outside appearances seems to have everything---as well as the person who's content on a deep inner level, comparing themselves to someone who's complaining.
My point is, we never REALLY know, who is having REAL problems and who isn't. Perception of one's own problems is a mighty key, and perception is controlled by the brain, and we all know so much about the brain, now don't we?

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I like that BDL. I would rather be an avatar for its lifemate, though, than for BDL itself:)

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Gosh, I wrote this long reply, and LJ lost it.
All it said, though was well put, you make good points, each person's situation is different, and yet I believe that many folks are in my own situation on this one. I love that quote about judging insides by outsides. Thanks for putting a really effective counterpoint to the post.

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

i like a good amount of humility in people and that has nothing to do with high or low levels of self-esteem

personally, my own sense of self-esteem is not constant

i just try not to let it run my life

and re: yesterdays's conversation about information vs mystery, today you say it yourself "Every time I have left behind my inner critic or my inner "self loving" voice and just walked the wire, I've achieved the heights."

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I dislike when I post quite so strongly as this, as individual circumstances vary so much. But the conundrum of "do I love me" v. "do I get the job done" always occurs to me.

You're right about that inner critic thing...in some ways, I see "self esteem" as just another inner critic. But others see their innards completely different, and hence I should not pontificate about what are really very "soft" terms, very malleable for different people.

Re:

[voodoukween.livejournal.com]

must have been the waning half moon in Aries

[circebleu.livejournal.com]

As someone who existed in active addiction for at least 20 of my adult years, I seriously cannot even understand this post. In addiction, one of the big questions is which came first the horse or the cart? Its been pretty well surmised that every case is different and in my case, the loss of self (note SELF not esteem), came before the addiction. This is usually the case in the person who gets straight and then starts having "mental" problems after a year of sobriety. Of course, this has resulted in medication which thankfully has restored most of my sense of self and given me a taste of esteem in the last few years.

Still this post is foreign to me. My serious questions about my inner-self focus on "awakenings" and the gift I received (don't worry, no AA goer here :) via addiction.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

LOL. I thought it was just my own lack of self-esteem.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
I guess this post illustrates the problem with speaking in universals. I was speaking to people without addiction, severe depression, etc., who cloak themselves in the lingo to find problems rather than solve them. The post came out way to general and undifferentiated, though, and may not be right even within its construct. Thanks for giving me your view, as it helps me ponder.

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

I hated my first psychology class in college, and my second one too. Somehow I persisted, because I thought I wanted to understand "The Mind!!!" and I thought psychology would have answers for me. Silly me. As Freud said, (paraphrased) "Everywhere I go a poet has been before me." I have many days when I think I should have stuck with journalism.

There is, it seems to me, a lot of bs in psychology, and a fair amount of it is attached to the so-called "self-esteem" movement. Much of this therapy-of-the-day stuff fuels talks shows and best sellers by therapists who truly understand marketing and know how to run with it.

There is every kind of therapy: art therapy, narrative therapy, screaming your head off (primal) therapy, yoga therapy, breathing work therapy. You name something humans do that isn't totally self-destructive and someone has probably described it as therapy. Truthfully, I find it kind of disgusting.

I think there are times when the most meaningful thing you can say to someone is to get off your behind, get on with your life and stop whining. Saying this will not make me popular amongst people who liked smiley faces and "warm fuzzies". I have never used those exact words, but I have said as much in much more polite terms more than once.

Once, when I lived in the mountains, I went into a crafts shop and started looking around. I was director of a counseling center at the time, and the shop owner was a casual friend of mine. She asked me how I was doing. I said some version of "life stinks!" She then gave me these directions: Go back to your office. Close the door. Take no calls or messages. Sit in your chair and feel sorry for yourself for a full fifteen minutes. But when those fifteen minutes are over- you don't get to do it anymore today, ya here me?!"

I was shocked, but them I started laughing. Just the thought of sitting in a chair for fifteen minutes feeling sorry for myself was enough to get me over it.

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

oops.... that was supposed to be "Ya hear me?!!" Here. Here.

Anyway, the most disgusting thing I have heard recently is a dating service that started in New York where people who are in counseling are matched up with other people in counseling for dates. It is marketed with the idea that people who are in counseling are oh-so-sensitive and of course they should be together with other people with the same sensitivities. I can see the Woody Allen movie in the making.

And here I thought people generally went into counseling because something in their life wasn't working, and they wanted help working on it. And that a dating service like this would just bring together two people who were having "problems in living".

Doesn't sound like a plan to me...

shrink matching

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting. My own bias runs right along the lines you are saying--that the science of analysis right now is only really good for "solve this problem, move on" stuff. Someday, we'll know a lot more. But I don't think this day is yet.

The trouble with self-esteem, as my post did not make clear, is that it means too many things. I know people who use it in a way with which I agree. I also know people who define it so broadly as to make it an odd crutch for functional people. I think the wide variety of comments to this post are in part a function of definitional differences.

But I also know that I am no psychologist. I've often thought I wish I had the time to become a counsellor, as I am able to stay reasonably detached from folks' problems and would be a good one. But I never have that wish long enough to make it so.

Thanks for sharing both insights. The notion of shrinks dating shrinks via a dating service amuses me tremedously, by the way....almost as much as
ShrinkMeet.com, an internet dating service for shrinks, which I am now tempted to start:

Near-borderline but artistic former post-Jungian therapist, DWM, 40, seeks vivacious behaviorist F, details unimportant, for pursuit of mutual dreams in a
functional, goal-oriented environment. Marriage a possibility, mutual insight a certainty. No
smokers or clinical social workers, please.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

No, the real market, as I said in the other comment, is shrink with shrink, not patient with patient....you know, all shrinks are perfect, right?

:)

good stuff, Bob - really enjoyed this one

[yulbrynner.livejournal.com]

no message

Re: good stuff, Bob - really enjoyed this one

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

I owe you both an e mail and a letter. I have not forgotten.
Sometimes I set aside an e mail so that I can 'write it right'. That's a mistake. I just need to write it.

Thanks for the reassurance!

don't sweat it, Bob

[yulbrynner.livejournal.com]

you really don't "owe" me anything - believe me, you've done quite a lot for me.

In the time between my writing that e-mail and now, I have actually become more resolute in my decision. I don't see any going back now. It was the combination of my parents' second guesses, a favorable work environment, and an old friend in law school having his own doubts that made me hesitate. In all honesty, I can't see myself being content doing anything but being a lawyer (except maybe a law professor)

In speaking with some other folks I know just out of school, I was very much reassured by their comments - people who have been successful so far, but who are probably even less cut out for the law then I probably am - and who seem satisfied with their decision.

Like I think you said - you can analyze something to death to try to figure out how you might feel while doing it - or you can just go ahead and try it.

still - if you do get the chance to write me back - i look forward to reading it.

In the meantime, I am trying out my pre-law skills to see how i can get out of my recent speeding ticket - you know the 5... 80mph in a 65??? out here that's like trying to keep pace with the seniors in the slow lane. such is life - i was due.

Re: don't sweat it, Bob

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

We crossed in the mails. I sent an e mail with a few
thoughts already. Do send me your address again, as I want to post you something as well.

I'm glad to hear you are really getting your decision going. It's a fun place to be where you are now.
But then, it's fun almost all thru if you play it right.

Re:

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

Let me only say this- shrinks are overall, the nuttiest group of people I have ever met. In every setting I have worked in my fellow psychotherapists have been much more of a pain in the behind than the clients.

Re: shrink matching

[reneesarah.livejournal.com]

I should tell you about some of the dates I have had with psychiatrists and other shrink types...

Well, on second thought maybe not.